If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your boyfriend or partner:
* is willing to compromise
* lets you feel comfortable being yourself
* is able to admit to being wrong
* tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
* respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
* accepts you saying no to things you don’t want to do (like sex)
* accepts you changing your mind
* respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship
When someone loves you; you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn’t be made to feel intimidated or controlled.
So, once you've left your abuser, you might wonder how you'll be able to survive since you've been dependent on your abusive partner for so long. For starters, you re-build from the inside out. You will find that as you do what you love, you glow, and you long to do more of it. As you do more of it, you shine and become a magnet for people to support your doing more and more of it.
What does this have to do with your self-worth? When you are having fun doing what you love and this is making you self-sufficient, your "lack of self-worth" is no longer an issue, as you so clearly feel and see your worth, and so do those around you.
If you have left an abusive relationship or are contemplating doing so, do not let your capacity to earn cause you to descend into a state of depression. Pick yourself up and look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What would I be doing, if I were financially free?"
Once you have the answer to that question, all of the other pieces can come together to enable your doing this. And as you do, you will be on your road to obtaining inner and outer wealth.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Friday, August 21, 2009
ABA Launches Pro Bono Website
I recently heard that the American Bar Association (ABA) Commission on Domestic Violence this week announced the first national online directory of resources for attorneys seeking to help victims on a pro bono basis.
Although men also experience domestic violence, research shows the majority of victims are women. Around the world, at least one in four women has experienced some form of violence or abuse during her lifetime, and studies show some 10 million children witness domestic violence each year. This pro bono website, along with ABA and their partners’ other initiatives, is another positive step in the effort to prevent domestic violence and create awareness of the issue.
The online directory includes the types of cases these programs accept – e.g., immigration, housing, restraining orders, family law -- the scope of representation; the frequency and content of trainings for pro bono lawyers; and the on-going supervision and/or support provided to pro bono lawyers.
Initially made possible through a grant from the Avon Foundation, which funded the research and start-up costs of the project, the commission joined with Pro Bono Net, a national nonprofit organization working closely with nonprofit legal organizations across the United States and Canada, to create and develop the online directory.
The new website includes a directory of national programs and the types of services they provide. It also points volunteer attorneys to pro bono opportunities and resources that will be helpful in representing victims.
For more information, go to the website http://www.probono.net/dv
NOTE: Founded in 1994, the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence is the only national organization that focuses exclusively on improving the legal response to domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. The mission of the Commission is to increase access to justice for victims of domestic violence by mobilizing the legal profession. Recent studies have confirmed that access to legal representation is one of the most effective resources for victims of domestic violence to escape violent situations. The Commission addresses the acute need to increase the number of well-trained and supported attorneys providing representation to victims of domestic violence by providing on-going in-person, web-based, and telephonic training opportunities for attorneys, law students, and other legal advocates. Additional information is available at www.abanet.org/domviol
Although men also experience domestic violence, research shows the majority of victims are women. Around the world, at least one in four women has experienced some form of violence or abuse during her lifetime, and studies show some 10 million children witness domestic violence each year. This pro bono website, along with ABA and their partners’ other initiatives, is another positive step in the effort to prevent domestic violence and create awareness of the issue.
The online directory includes the types of cases these programs accept – e.g., immigration, housing, restraining orders, family law -- the scope of representation; the frequency and content of trainings for pro bono lawyers; and the on-going supervision and/or support provided to pro bono lawyers.
Initially made possible through a grant from the Avon Foundation, which funded the research and start-up costs of the project, the commission joined with Pro Bono Net, a national nonprofit organization working closely with nonprofit legal organizations across the United States and Canada, to create and develop the online directory.
The new website includes a directory of national programs and the types of services they provide. It also points volunteer attorneys to pro bono opportunities and resources that will be helpful in representing victims.
For more information, go to the website http://www.probono.net/dv
NOTE: Founded in 1994, the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence is the only national organization that focuses exclusively on improving the legal response to domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. The mission of the Commission is to increase access to justice for victims of domestic violence by mobilizing the legal profession. Recent studies have confirmed that access to legal representation is one of the most effective resources for victims of domestic violence to escape violent situations. The Commission addresses the acute need to increase the number of well-trained and supported attorneys providing representation to victims of domestic violence by providing on-going in-person, web-based, and telephonic training opportunities for attorneys, law students, and other legal advocates. Additional information is available at www.abanet.org/domviol
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Violence Against Women Act
We have come a long way from the days in which police and legal institutions treated violence against women as only a family or private matter. Likewise, general public understanding of domestic abuse and sexual assault has improved, as advocates, educators and survivors have spent years explaining why “she was asking for it” couldn’t be farther from the truth. A major testament to this progress is the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed 15 years ago, which identified violence against women and girls as a national epidemic, requiring a national response. Under VAWA more than $9 billion has been appropriated thus far to improve services for survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and teen dating violence and to educate law enforcement and members of the judiciary to improve prosecution of these crimes and the effectiveness of offender management. Still, this is only a fraction of the funds necessary to sustain these services for the millions of individuals and families in need.
With the current state of the economy, the rising levels of frustration, and persistent attitudes that cast women as deserving targets, the reauthorization of VAWA, due for consideration in 2010, provides an important opportunity to look again at what continues to be a national crisis.
With the current state of the economy, the rising levels of frustration, and persistent attitudes that cast women as deserving targets, the reauthorization of VAWA, due for consideration in 2010, provides an important opportunity to look again at what continues to be a national crisis.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Men Who Batter
Men who batter come from all socioeconomic backgrounds, races and walks of life. The abuser may be a blue-collar or white-collar worker, unemployed, or highly paid. He may be a drinker or nondrinker. Batterers represent all different personalities, family backgrounds, and professions. In summation, there is no "typical batterer."
The majority of batterers are only violent with their wives or female partners. For example, one study found that 90 percent of abusers do not have criminal records, and that batterers are generally law abiding outside the home. It is estimated that only about 5 to 10 percent of batterers commit acts of physical and sexual violence against other people as well as their female partners.
Although there is no personality profile of the abuser, there are some behaviors that are common among men who batter their partners. Some of these include:
* Denying the existence or minimizing the seriousness of the violence and its effects on the victim and other family members;
* Showing extreme jealousy and possessiveness which often leads to isolation of the victim from other family members;
* Refusing to take responsibility for the abuse by blaming it on a loss of control due to the effects of alcohol or drugs, frustration, stress, or the victim's
behavior; and
* Holding rigid, traditional views of sex roles and parenting.
Why Do Men Batter?
Typically, when trying to understand why men batter, people want to look for what is "wrong" with them, believing they must be sick in some way. However, battering is not a mental illness that can be diagnosed, but a learned behavioral choice. Men choose to batter their partners because the choice is there to make and, until quite recently, there has been no consequence for these actions.
Battering is the extreme expression of the belief in male dominance over women. To understand why men may choose to batter, it is important to look at what they get out of using violence. Men use physical force to maintain power and control over their relationships with their female partners. They have learned that violence "works" to achieve this end.
Many batterers grew up in homes where they or a sibling were physically abused or where their mother was abused by their father. In one batterers program, for example, 70 percent of participants came from violent homes. In fact, witnessing domestic violence as a child has been identified as the most common risk factor for becoming a batterer in adulthood.
While many batterers have substance abuse problems, there is no evidence that alcohol of drugs cause violent behavior. In fact, batterers may abuse their partners when they are intoxicated as well as when they are sober.
The majority of batterers are only violent with their wives or female partners. For example, one study found that 90 percent of abusers do not have criminal records, and that batterers are generally law abiding outside the home. It is estimated that only about 5 to 10 percent of batterers commit acts of physical and sexual violence against other people as well as their female partners.
Although there is no personality profile of the abuser, there are some behaviors that are common among men who batter their partners. Some of these include:
* Denying the existence or minimizing the seriousness of the violence and its effects on the victim and other family members;
* Showing extreme jealousy and possessiveness which often leads to isolation of the victim from other family members;
* Refusing to take responsibility for the abuse by blaming it on a loss of control due to the effects of alcohol or drugs, frustration, stress, or the victim's
behavior; and
* Holding rigid, traditional views of sex roles and parenting.
Why Do Men Batter?
Typically, when trying to understand why men batter, people want to look for what is "wrong" with them, believing they must be sick in some way. However, battering is not a mental illness that can be diagnosed, but a learned behavioral choice. Men choose to batter their partners because the choice is there to make and, until quite recently, there has been no consequence for these actions.
Battering is the extreme expression of the belief in male dominance over women. To understand why men may choose to batter, it is important to look at what they get out of using violence. Men use physical force to maintain power and control over their relationships with their female partners. They have learned that violence "works" to achieve this end.
Many batterers grew up in homes where they or a sibling were physically abused or where their mother was abused by their father. In one batterers program, for example, 70 percent of participants came from violent homes. In fact, witnessing domestic violence as a child has been identified as the most common risk factor for becoming a batterer in adulthood.
While many batterers have substance abuse problems, there is no evidence that alcohol of drugs cause violent behavior. In fact, batterers may abuse their partners when they are intoxicated as well as when they are sober.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Bill Could Save California DV Programs
So, I recently heard that California's Senator Leland Yee announced legislation on August 4 aimed at saving domestic violence programs and shelters statewide that had funding cut by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The line-item budget veto of the California Department of Public Health’s Domestic Violence Program eliminated $16.3 million, that was allocated to 94 domestic violence shelters and centers, according to Yee’s office. The senator’s legislation allocates $16.3 million from the victims’ compensation fund to the Domestic Violence Program.
The Senate is on recess until Aug. 19 and will finish Sep. 11, giving the bill less than a month to win two-thirds of the legislature’s support. If passed and signed, it will go into effect immediately.
The Senate is on recess until Aug. 19 and will finish Sep. 11, giving the bill less than a month to win two-thirds of the legislature’s support. If passed and signed, it will go into effect immediately.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Men: Silent Victims of Domestic Violence
Although most of the time it is women who are in the news reported as being victims of domestic violence, men are also victims at times. In fact, according to the Department of Justice report on the National Violence Against Women Survey, nearly 900,000 men are victims of physical violence by a domestic partner. That roughly translates to a man being beaten every 38 seconds. The government counts both heterosexual and homosexual male victims of abuse in the study.
In general, the gender breakdown of callers to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 85 percent women to 15 percent men. From 2003 to present, male victims calling the hotline represent a mere 2.41 percent of all calls. Even so, NDVH have recorded calls for help from 19,046 men in that five-year period.
Of the men living with abusive women, most do not report incidents of abuse to police unless the injury is significant enough to result in emergency medical care. The primary reason for non-reporting is shame. Because of this trend, scientific studies by a number of renowned universities and social agencies, and governmental departments such as the Department of Justice, uncover a better picture of this victim group than police and court records.
Studies show that men are more likely to be hit with an object or stabbed while women are more likely to be hit with a fist, kicked or shot. While abused men remain in the relationship for many reasons, the top three reasons, according to the Department of Justice report are:
1. Protecting their children.
Fearing the courts will automatically give custody to the mother, the father worries that his children will be abused if they leave the family home.
2. Assuming blame.
In this situation, men buy into the woman’s reasons for delivering abuse rather than recognizing the abuse is unreasonable. This trait is common among both women and men.
3. Dependency.
The man is dependent on the woman for financial, social, or emotional support and fears the loss of such if he leaves the relationship. This trait, too, is shared between women and men suffering abuse.
The toll free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), and the web site address for more information is http://www.ndvh.org/.
Visit divorce360.com for help before, during and after divorce.
In general, the gender breakdown of callers to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 85 percent women to 15 percent men. From 2003 to present, male victims calling the hotline represent a mere 2.41 percent of all calls. Even so, NDVH have recorded calls for help from 19,046 men in that five-year period.
Of the men living with abusive women, most do not report incidents of abuse to police unless the injury is significant enough to result in emergency medical care. The primary reason for non-reporting is shame. Because of this trend, scientific studies by a number of renowned universities and social agencies, and governmental departments such as the Department of Justice, uncover a better picture of this victim group than police and court records.
Studies show that men are more likely to be hit with an object or stabbed while women are more likely to be hit with a fist, kicked or shot. While abused men remain in the relationship for many reasons, the top three reasons, according to the Department of Justice report are:
1. Protecting their children.
Fearing the courts will automatically give custody to the mother, the father worries that his children will be abused if they leave the family home.
2. Assuming blame.
In this situation, men buy into the woman’s reasons for delivering abuse rather than recognizing the abuse is unreasonable. This trait is common among both women and men.
3. Dependency.
The man is dependent on the woman for financial, social, or emotional support and fears the loss of such if he leaves the relationship. This trait, too, is shared between women and men suffering abuse.
The toll free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), and the web site address for more information is http://www.ndvh.org/.
Visit divorce360.com for help before, during and after divorce.
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