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Happy Father's Day!!!

WHEN THE ABUSED IS A MAN ...

As all eyes turn to fathers across the country today, I decided to concentrate my current blog entry on men ...

Listen to the police scanner or follow the shouting in the neighborhood sometime, and you'll see that domestic violence between spouses and romantic partners is a pretty common problem in your city or town. No city or town is exempt, regardless of its size or location.

My experience with domestic violence, as an abused wife left me humiliated and embarrassed. I wrote the book Another Search for Shelter as part of my healing and discovered it was very therapeutic to do so. I also realized that to keep quiet was to continue the abuse. Through my book, Another Search for Shelter, I hope to empower victims of domestic abuse and believe that telling my story does just that.

While my personal experience is that of a woman victim of domestic violence, I think it is important for people to understand that men can also be victims. Very little is known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women. One statistic reveals that in 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men. In fact, an estimated 300,000 to 400,000 men per year are abused and/or treated violently by their wife or intimate partner.

There are many reasons why we don't know more about domestic abuse and violence against men. First of all, the incidence of domestic violence reported men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates. In addition, it has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse. The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.

The dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women. The reasons, purposes and motivations are often very different between sexes. Although the counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women, there has been very little investment in resources to address and understand the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men. In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused. For example, it is assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing contact sports. Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them.

It is a widely held assumption that women are always the victims and men are always the perpetrators. Between 50 and 60 percent of all domestic abuse and violence is against women. There are many reasons why people assume men are never victims and why women often ignore the possibility. For one thing, domestic abuse and violence has been minimized, justified, and ignored for a very long time. Women are now more organized, supportive, and outspoken about the epidemic of domestic abuse and violence against women. Very little attention has been paid to the issue of domestic abuse and violence against men -- especially because violence against women has been so obvious and was ignored for so long.

Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and difference. For men or women, domestic violence includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door, or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon. Domestic abuse can also be mental or emotional. However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally, can in some cases be very different from what hurts a woman. For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a women. Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in different ways. In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse.

For example, the ability to tolerate and "brush off" a physical assault by women in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman. A significant number of of men are overly sensitive to emotional and psychological abuse. In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse. Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often "brutal" than men. Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal -- even deadly!

Domestic violence against men goes unrecognized for the following reasons:

The incidence of domestic violence against men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.

It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.

The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.

The counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women. Not enough has been done to stop abuse against women. There has been very little investment in resources to address the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.

In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others.

Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling like nobody would believe them. It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports. Women generally don't do those things.

The characteristics of men or women who are abusive fall into three categories including:

Alcohol Abuse. Alcohol abuse is a major trigger in domestic violence. People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

Psychological Disorders. There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50 percent of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems, and alcohol abuse.

Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions. Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration, and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood, or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.

Men stay in abusive and violent relationships for many different reasons. The following is a brief list of the primary reasons.

Protecting Their Children. Abused men are afraid to leave their children alone with an abusive woman. They are afraid that if they leave they will never be allowed to see their children again. The man is afraid the woman will tell his children he is a bad person or that he doesn't love them.

Assuming Blame (Guilt Prone). Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not. They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better.

Dependency (or Fear of Independence). The abused man is mentally, emotionally, or financially dependent on the abusive woman. The idea of leaving the relationship creates significant feelings of depression or anxiety. They are "addicted" to each other.

HELP FOR MEN:

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse and violence is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. Most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services. Community resources for breaking the cycle of violence are scarce and not well developed. If you are a man, or know a man who is suffering as a victim of domestic abuse and violence, it is important to seek help. Below are some important phone numbers that might be a good place to start ...