If you are a Christian woman and you are in an abusive relationship with your husband or partner, you need to know that you are not alone. You can get help. You can find protection. And you can be treated with respect, honor, and care. That's God's intent for you.
If you are not in a destructive relationship, I guarantee that this Sunday when you look around your church that your eyes will land on woman who is living a private life of hell. Something she was not created for. And, whether you recognize it or not, she is experiencing abuse.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. How many one in four women do you know? Since you likely know more than four women, you also likely know someone who is experiencing domestic violence. She may be a co-worker, a fellow church member, a neighbor, a family member, or she may be YOU. Unfortunately, the one in four women statistic often does not include incidents of sexual, emotional, or economic abuse that go unreported. In most cases, women in these situations either feel too ashamed to expose their abuse or fear telling someone won't make a difference.
The victim of domestic abuse is one whose self-esteem has been diminished by constant criticism, blaming, name-calling, mocking, manipulation, public embarrassment, or humiliation. She may be more withdrawn and isolated under her husband or partner's control. She may seem anxious or uncomfortable, worrying about how her spouse or partner will treat her in front of others or what he'll think of her comments. She has pretty much lost the ability to think for herself or have her own opinions. She is not free. She has been robbed of her power to choose, which is a basic right that God gives every person.
Understanding how to use Scripture to combat domestic violence is key in helping abused women, especially since abusers often twist passages to justify their sinful behavior, according to Leslie Vernick, the author of the book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. She explains that abusive husbands often feel they are entitled for their wife to submit. Yet, when you force someone to do things your way, that is coercion, not submission, she says.
In the Old Testament book of Malachi, God says he hates a man who covers himself with violence (Malachi 2:16). God hates many things, but those things still happen because of sinful actions.
God also cares deeply for the mistreated and oppressed. According to Psalm 34:18, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The Bible also teaches that it is OK for an abused woman to seek help. Proverbs 27:12 tells us that the prudent see danger and take refuge. In 1 Samuel 20, David fled from Saul in an effort to protect his own life. Christ came to bring those in darkness into the light in John 12:46. God wants to bring abusers to repentance and bring healing to the abused.
Marriage vows are about care and protection. When someone is repeatedly breaking their marriage vows, it's impossible to have a relationship. God has given us a government to protect us against lawbreakers. When a husband is breaking the law by hurting his spouse, the law is there to offer protection.
And, women need to always remember that love should never hurt. If you are in a relationship and you are being hurt, that is not love. You need to get out. You need to do this sooner than later.
It's not just wives and adult women suffering from domestic violence. The process begins very early. Statistics show that one in five female high school students is being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. In addition, about 40 percent of girls 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.
Young women are longing for family, community, and connectedness with others. Unfortunately, there has been a cultural break-down of these things. So when a girl finds herself being pursued by a guy, she experiences a rush of intoxicating feelings that are hard to resist, even at the risk of entering into an unhealthy relationship.
Women need to be learn how to avoid abusive relationships at a young age. Singles and adolescents need to discern carefully how a man responds to their needs outside the relationship. Before you get your heart wrapped up in a man or partner, you need to determine whether he has the capacity to respect your power to choose. If you choose something other than what he wants, can he handle it? If you learn he can't, it is best not to date that person.
Take the quiz:
(For the purposes of this quiz the abuser is male. Most victims of domestic violence are women, but we acknowledge that men can be victims, and abuse can occur in same-sex relationships as well – the abusive behaviors are the same.)
- Your partner accuses you of flirting at a party when you weren’t.
- He loves you so much that he gets jealous and this is flattering to you.
- You try to tell him that it isn’t true but he won’t listen and calls you a slut.
- You tell him you weren’t flirting but he still doesn’t believe you. You know his jealousy is baseless and it’s not your responsibility to convince him otherwise.
- You want to break up, but every time you talk about leaving, he says he can’t live without you.
- You hang in there even though you’re unhappy because you’re afraid he’ll be lost without you and you don’t want to hurt him.
- You break up, but when he cries and says he’ll do anything for you, you get back together.
- You know that this kind of dependence is unhealthy and suggest he get some counseling to help deal with the loss, but the relationship is over.
- Your partner continually sends text messages to you at work and you’re worried it will affect your job. You’ve asked him to stop but he keeps sending them anyway.
- You go to the bathroom to text back every time you get a message and hope your co-workers don’t notice.
- You don’t answer the messages but he starts calling on the phone, and the receptionist is getting mad.
- You firmly tell him that he’s putting your job at risk and if he continues to call you’ll consider getting a restraining order, because this is not the kind of communication that should happen in a healthy relationship.
- Your partner is a great person most of the time, but when he drinks he gets mean and says hurtful and embarrassing things about you in public. He always apologizes later and then goes back to being really nice. When he drinks it’s always to excess and he doesn’t seem to know how to stop.
- You accept his apology -- after all, when people drink they do stupid things sometimes.
- You beg him to stop drinking, but he doesn’t think he has a problem.
- You realize you can’t make someone stop drinking or using drugs, only they have the power to make those changes. If he’s not willing to take responsibility for his behavior, you have to decide what you can do for yourself.
- Your partner only wants to do things as a couple and is jealous or angry when you spend time with anyone besides him.
- You’re flattered that he loves you so much he only wants to be with you.
- You feel a little smothered, but think it’s part of growing up to leave family and friends behind when you’re in love.
- You know that there’s no one person who can fulfill all your needs. You cherish the relationships you have with other people and continue to spend time with them and tell him that if it’s “all or nothing,” then it’s nothing.
