Have a Happy & Safe 4th of July!

As we celebrate the 4th of July, take a moment to think about the meaning of freedom and our rights as people. It is a basic human right to live free from fear, especially of one’s own partner. Everyone has the right to live in a home where they feel safe. Please stay safe this 4th of July!

Understanding Teenage Dating Violence

Teenage dating violence is not uncommon; almost a third of teens in the U.S. experience some type of abuse in their relationships. It follows the typical patterns that adult abusive relationships follow with repeated violence which gets worse every time. The abuser feels remorse and says they are sorry with promises to change, but the violence continues and the pattern continues. There are three main types of dating abuse: verbal and emotional, physical, and sexual.

Verbal or emotional abuse is about the abuser trying to gain control of the victims feelings or behaviors, as are all of the types of abuse. It instills fear in the victim and erodes their self worth and self esteem. Verbal and emotional abuse includes yelling, name calling, put downs, embarrassment, intimidation, and/or the spreading of rumors. It can make the person feel responsible for their abuse, as their abuser controls their actions and behavior. The victim feels trapped in the relationship, and is so manipulated that they fear ending the connection.

Physical abuse in teenage dating violence involves hitting, shoving, pushing, and any other unwanted contact with the victims body. The abuser overreacts in a negative way to a victims behavior, and becomes physically aggressive with their partner. According to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, 45% of girls reported that they had experienced physical violence while in a dating relationship. The terror a young person feels in this situation, again, traps them into remaining in a bad situation.

Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted sexual activity which includes kissing or touching, groping, and/or sexual intercourse. A partner in a relationship always has the right to say no to any sexual situation, and it is considered abusive when they are forced into something they do not want to do. Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships, and a significant amount of physically battered victims are also raped by their partners. There are negative consequences to remaining in an abusive relationship for the victim, and most continue in the relationship.

Be safe and free ...

What I know for sure is that domestic violence won’t stop unless someone puts a break to it. It is likely to happen again so if you are a victim of domestic violence, it is best to find out what you have to do to survive. Report an abusive incident and seek help. You may fear that your partner will be even more brutal when he finds out that you’ve let others know about your situation. This is why there are a lot of individuals and agencies willing to support you, emotionally and legally.

If you are a victim of abuse and feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time or are already suffering from abuse, call 911 or your local police. The police have established a protocol for this type of abuse.

You need to consider the following:

* If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.

* They can help you and your children leave your home safely.

* They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.

* They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order or restraining order has been violated.

* When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.

* If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.

* If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.

* The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.

* The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.

* Get the officers names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.

* A police report can be used to help you get a personal protective order or restraining order.

One of the common problems police officers and sheriff deputies face is when a victim refuses to press charges against his/her abuser. If you are a victim, you need to realize that the police are not the enemy. Your abusive partner is the enemy! So, you need to be open and honest with the police, and you need to utilize the law on your behalf to see that you can be safe and free from abuse.

Most victims of domestic violence are scared to report an abusive incident. This is because they fear that their partner will later on find out they have reported it and will just increase his brutality. What they do not realize is that there are a lot of agencies and individuals willing to give a helping hand to whatever emotional and legal support you need. Victims must realize that help is there for them to ask.

Not wanting to leave the home you built is understandable. What’s not understandable is you prolonging your suffering. It’s certainly not fair, but if you are a victim of abuse, your safety is important. If the home you built is not a safe place for you and your children to stay, move away and find a safe place.

If you are a victim of abuse and have been physically hurt, get medical help, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you such as social services) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support and access to government agencies. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.

Medical records are important in grating you a personal protective order or restraining order. These records will show all the important information about your injuries. You must also inform those who you feel safe to know about who your abuser is.

The following are the special medical concerns all the victims of abuse should note:

* Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.

* What seems like a small injury could be a big one.

* If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.

* A victim of abuse can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.

* Memory loss.

* Dizziness.

* Problems with eyesight.

* Throwing-up.

* Headache that will not go away.

If you are a victim of abuse, get a personal protection order or restraining order. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by your abuser.

And to any of my readers who might be in a place of terror or fear right now, I want to tell you that you deserve to live a life free of that. You deserve happiness, love and kindness and to never live in fear. There’s hope. Truly, there is. There’s a way out, even if it means more (temporary) pain. You are stronger than you know. You are more amazing than you know. I know about the dark place you live in. I know about the fear and anger. But there is a world outside the darkness. And you can get there. Believe in yourself! You can get there!

Call 911, or call your local police or county sheriff department. Do this sooner than later! There is a brighter world waiting for you!

Latest news on Domestic Violence ...

So, I just heard today that Amnesty International has installed a new anti-domestic-abuse ad fixture in Hamburg, Germany which is equal parts clever and shocking: when you look at the photo, it's a smiling couple; when you look away, it's a dude punching a lady. The billboard works by scanning its proximity with an eye-tracking camera, which triggers an image switch on the display panel when it senses someone looking at it. The change only occurs after a brief delay, so that observers understand what's going on, and get the message. It's a fantastically effective concept, and a brilliant use of technology. Kind of sad, then, that it's probably award bait, and doomed to be a lone installation.

In other news earlier this week -- on June 26, 2009 -- the White House made an outstanding move by naming Lynn Rosenthal to be the new White House Advisor on Violence Against Women. I believe Rosenthal is brilliant -- and an ardent, sophisticated advocate. This is really one of the best appointments I've seen so far. So please indulge me the opportunity to say so.

Vice President Joe Biden, the author of the landmark Violence Against Women Act, announced the appointment of Rosenthal. She is one of the nation’s foremost experts in domestic violence policy, and has worked at the local, state and national levels to create an environment where violence against women is not ignored and perpetrators are held accountable. This is a newly created position at the White House, dedicated specifically to advising the President and Vice President on domestic violence and sexual assault issues.

“My proudest legislative achievement in the Senate was passing the Violence Against Women Act. We’ve made great strides since its passage -- shining a light on an all too silent issue and reducing violence against women in significant numbers. But we have to do more,” said Vice President Biden, in a recent press release. “... It’s an honor to announce the first ever White House Advisor on Violence Against Women, Lynn Rosenthal. Lynn is passionate about these issues and knows them backwards and forwards. And as a former director of a shelter, she’s also seen the human face of this tragic problem. She will be a leader in this White House in stopping the violence and sexual assault of women and will be an integral part of this Administration.”

Also quoted in the press release is Valerie Jarrett, senior advisor and assistant to the president of Intergovernmental Relations and Public Engagement. Jarrett said: “Lynn Rosenthal has been a life-long advocate for women and she has been a real leader in developing effective policies to combat domestic violence. She will be a tremendous asset to the President, Vice President and the entire Administration as we continue the battle against domestic violence and sexual assault.”

Progress is being made! This is huge step to help ensure that government agencies continue, and hopefully advance, the efforts of many organizations across the country who work everyday to help the countless women who fall victim to relationship violence.

Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Statistics on domestic violence:

On average more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States. In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner. In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published data collected in 2005 that finds that women experience two million injuries from intimate partner violence each year.

Nearly one in four women in the United States reports experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or boyfriend at some point in her life.

Women are much more likely than men to be victimized by a current or former intimate partner. Women are 84 percent of spouse abuse victims and 86 percent of victims of abuse at the hands of a boyfriend or girlfriend and about three-fourths of the persons who commit family violence are male. There were 248,300 rapes/sexual assaults in the United States in 2007, more than 500 per day, up from 190,600 in 2005. Women were more likely than men to be victims; the rate for rape/sexual assault for persons age 12 or older in 2007 was 1.8 per 1,000 for females and 0.1 per 1,000 for males. The United States Justice Department’s Bureau of Justice Statistics estimates that 3.4 million persons said they were victims of stalking during a 12-month period in 2005 and 2006. Women experience 20 stalking victimization per 1,000 females age 18 and older, while men experience approximately seven stalking victimization per 1,000 males age 18 and older.

Some Quick Facts ...

Today I decided to share with you some quick facts that you find helpful ...

* How can I make it stop?

The first step is to understand the cycle of violence and that you can only control your own actions and choices. Support groups and counseling can be very helpful in gaining insight into your relationship and empowering you to make decisions about your safety, your right to be treated with respect, and your future.

* What causes people to abuse their partners?

There are many factors that may contribute to why abuse occurs. Mental health conditions, drug and alcohol abuse, or financial stress may be some of the contributing factors, but are not necessarily causes. Often patterns learned as children may play a role in why the abuse occurs. It is never the victim’s fault when the abuse occurs; the abuser is responsible for their behavior. I encourage you to keep the focus on what you can do to make the best decisions for your own health and safety. It is important to also be accountable for your role in the relationship. The longer you stay with your abuser, the longer you enable him or her to continue their abuse toward you.

* Is domestic violence really a big problem where I live?

Domestic Violence is, unfortunately, very common and the effects are far-reaching. No location, rather a small town or large city, is exempt from domestic abuse. Domestic violence shelters across the country see several victims of domestic violence each year, and I know that many more people are living with abuse who have not made the decision to talk about it openly. Family violence is one of the most common calls to law enforcement (there are calls every day) and one of the most frequently prosecuted crimes in local judicial systems. It is one of the primary causes of homelessness. It effects children in their ability to learn, feel safe, and socialize. For teenagers, it contributes to drug and alcohol abuse, youth violence, and teenage pregnancy. It’s a reason for days missed from work and visits to the emergency room. Every one of us is affected by the issue of domestic violence in one way or another. It may be your neighbor, your sister, your friend, or a co-worker, but it is likely very close to home.

* How can I tell if my relationship is abusive?

Abuse can take many forms and can sometimes begin subtly. If you find yourself walking on egg shells, changing your behavior to prevent a violent outburst, or if you’re ever afraid of your partner, these are warning signs that should not be ignored. If your partner humiliates you, is ever physically violent, or threatens violence, these are clear signs of an unhealthy relationship. If the abuse occurs in a pattern of tension building followed by a violent outburst, and then apologies, gifts, and extra sweet behavior with promises of change -- and then the pattern repeats -- this is a cycle of violence. The situation probably will not change without intervention, and is likely to get progressively worse.

Cycle of Violence

• Phase 1 – Tension Building
• Abuser starts to get angry
• The victim feels the need to try to keep the abuser calm
• The level of tension is high
• Victims often describe a feeling of “walking on egg shells”
• Trying not to “set him off”
• Phase 2 – Explosive Incident
• May be physical, emotional, or sexual
• Phase 3 – Honeymoon Phase – Hearts and Flowers
• The abuser apologizes and promises to change
• Sometimes there is minimizing -- “it wasn’t that bad”
• The abuser may give gifts, extra special treatment
• Victim hopes that the abuser will change

The cycle repeats. The timing may vary, but usually the cycle begins to shorten and increase in intensity over time.

* Should I believe my partner will change?

Violence is a learned behavior that is often tied to a belief system about how relationships are. Because these beliefs may have come from childhood experiences and have been in place for a long time, they will likely be difficult to change. It will take accountability on the part of the abuser, and an end to blaming others for violent behavior, in order for it to stop. Couples counseling is not recommended when there is active violence because it is not safe. Individual counseling and separate group counseling sessions may help each partner address issues that can lead them to come together in a non-violent way in the future.

* How do I know if my partner is really dangerous?
There is no exact way to know how dangerous your partner might be but there are some predictors that are of grave concern.

• Threats of suicide, homicide, or fantasies about killing
• Weapons in the home -- guns in the home are very dangerous in an abusive relationship
• If the police have been called more than once, especially if the abuser has little regard for consequences
• Feelings of ownership of the victim, extreme possessiveness, or unfounded jealousy

Divorce and Domestic Abuse ...

All too often domestic violence survivors use all of their financial resources to hire an attorney and then come to find they have nothing left to secure a professional advocate that remains on their side. And then they feel frustrated, desperate, hopeless, and abused. Sound familiar?

You expect your attorney to represent your best interest and so it is understandable how you want to invest all you have in this relationship. But, what may not be apparent right out of the gate is that this person will need to be paid beyond the initial retainer.

Now if you have limited resources, which is the case for most domestic violence survivors, you could very well be in a compromising situation once that retainer runs out — if not sooner. Here's why ...

Divorce Attorney's Realities:

Your divorce attorney is not going to work without being paid. So he/she will need to strategize how this will be done. Who do you think he/she must appeal to in order to carve the way toward his/her financial sustainability in your case?

Most likely it will be to the one holding the purse strings. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not suggesting that your counsel will pick up the phone and call your partner because he controls the finances in your marriage. That would be very unethical.

So how will your counsel arrange to satisfy his/her needs in order to remain as your representative in your case? He/she will need to turn to those who can access the key that opens the marital funds. To get this level of cooperation there must be some give and take along the way.

Advocate for Your Best Advantage:

If you are a domestic violence victim in divorce proceedings, refrain from putting all your eggs in one basket. Keep in mind that you may want a professional domestic abuse advocate that is not entangled in your divorce. That is, you may want someone independent of the financial politics of your case to help you stand up for your rights.

Refuse to Live in Fear ...

Fear is one of the most crippling forces plaguing domestic violence victims. Like a thief, it robs us of our courage and desire to excel in life. Provoked fear in the victim by an abuser is a tactic used to stifle our progress and cause us to give up on our dreams and aspirations.

There are many opportunities to fulfill our purpose and destiny, but the mere presence of fear extinguish the fires of thriving in our lives. There are many types of fear that come with living in a relationship plagued by domestic abuse, but the end result is the same: a future robbed of its potential and an individual haunted by the mystery of what might have been.

So how do we overcome fear? By daring to do. Dare to do what you as an individual have been called to do. Dare to be successful. Dare to dream big and accomplish your goals. Dare to leave your abusive relationship and seek a more humane, safer, and fulfilling life for yourself. Dare to make a positive change. By daring to do, we can dramatically diminish our level of fear.

How would you live your life without the presence of fear? How would you act if you knew you could be free of abuse, both emotionally and physically? What would you do differently if you had nothing to fear? What goals would you aspire to achieve if you knew you no longer had to live your life with the fear of being abused by your spouse or partner?

Consider this: What if Mother Teresa had refused to dedicate her life to service and altruism because she feared living in poverty? What if Nelson Mandela had refused to oppose apartheid in South Africa because he feared imprisonment? What if Martin Luther King Jr. had refused to promote civil rights and preach a message of peace and nonviolence because he feared assassination? Where would we be in the world if some of the world's most notable heroes had succumbed to fear?

In my book Another Search for Shelter, I tell of my personal story of leaving my abusive husband and seeking refuge in a homeless shelter. From personal experience, I can honestly say that even being homeless is better than living as a victim of domestic violence.

Where would I be if I had let the fear of the unknown keep me bound in a dangerous and unhealthy relationship? I would likely be dead. Regardless, I certainly would not be where I am today -- living a fulfilling, happy, and peaceful lifestyle free from the fear that once plagued me.

The best way to overcome fear is to face it. Don't allow fear of the unknown prevent you from leaving your abuser. If you are being abused, you need to get out of the unhealthy relationship that you are living in. You need to be free to go after your dreams with fervor and passion. Ask for help if you need it, and don't stop until you receive it!

Start today! Determine in your heart and mind to leave a legacy of greatness and a life characterized by respect and self-reliance, not fear and dependence. You deserve it!

Finding the Right Therapist ...

One of the chapters in my book, Another Search for Shelter, offers tips on finding the right therapist to help you in your transition from victim to survivor of domestic abuse. Recently Dr. Jeanne King, a seasoned psychologist and domestic violence intervention expert, had a number of things to say about this topic in a recently published online article of hers. Below are some things Dr. King says you will want to know if you are going to a therapist with your partner for domestic abuse:

1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your own home.

2) Anticipate that when you return home, the dynamics that you sought help for have solidified. That's right you heard me: the abuse dynamic is stronger, bigger...you might even say, "more in your face."

3) Expect that when push comes to shove, the therapist will most likely be singing the abuser's song, and you will feel like you have two enemies.

4) Know AND trust it's not about you. An open ear gravitates to the louder, more domineering voice. And when it comes to abusive relationships, we all know which partner will have the more convincing voice, no matter how compelling the victim's story.

5) As soon as you are willing to take responsibility for your error in choosing this type of therapist/therapy, request termination. You see, you are in the wrong kind of therapy for domestic violence. Marital and couples therapy is actually contra-indicated for domestic abuse. It's more likely to exacerbate intimate partner violence.

6) Find a therapist, who has expertise in domestic violence intervention, to work with you individually. And encourage your partner to seek individual therapy if he/she is willing. If he/she does (which is not likely), request that your two individual therapists interact from time to time.

There are as many ways to impact change in a dysfunctional relationship as there are dysfunctional relationships, noted King. "One thing is for sure: marital and couples therapy is not appropriate for domestic abuse," she says.

Dr. King explains that marital therapy is based on a "systems" approach. And the goal of the system is to maintain its homeostasis (that is, its balance), she explains. To this end, the responsibility for the dysfunctional dynamics within the system is spread equally across the system. However, this is what solidifies the abuse dynamic, according to Dr. King.

"Suffice it to say, marital therapy and couples counseling is not the right therapy for your problem. The sooner you find the appropriate type of intervention and the right therapist for yourself, the sooner you will be on your way to safety and peace in your life," concluded Dr. King.

Very good points, Dr. King. I completely agree with you. ~ Jeannie Claire

Happy Father's Day!!!

WHEN THE ABUSED IS A MAN ...

As all eyes turn to fathers across the country today, I decided to concentrate my current blog entry on men ...

Listen to the police scanner or follow the shouting in the neighborhood sometime, and you'll see that domestic violence between spouses and romantic partners is a pretty common problem in your city or town. No city or town is exempt, regardless of its size or location.

My experience with domestic violence, as an abused wife left me humiliated and embarrassed. I wrote the book Another Search for Shelter as part of my healing and discovered it was very therapeutic to do so. I also realized that to keep quiet was to continue the abuse. Through my book, Another Search for Shelter, I hope to empower victims of domestic abuse and believe that telling my story does just that.

While my personal experience is that of a woman victim of domestic violence, I think it is important for people to understand that men can also be victims. Very little is known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women. One statistic reveals that in 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men. In fact, an estimated 300,000 to 400,000 men per year are abused and/or treated violently by their wife or intimate partner.

There are many reasons why we don't know more about domestic abuse and violence against men. First of all, the incidence of domestic violence reported men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates. In addition, it has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse. The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.

The dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women. The reasons, purposes and motivations are often very different between sexes. Although the counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women, there has been very little investment in resources to address and understand the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men. In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused. For example, it is assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing contact sports. Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them.

It is a widely held assumption that women are always the victims and men are always the perpetrators. Between 50 and 60 percent of all domestic abuse and violence is against women. There are many reasons why people assume men are never victims and why women often ignore the possibility. For one thing, domestic abuse and violence has been minimized, justified, and ignored for a very long time. Women are now more organized, supportive, and outspoken about the epidemic of domestic abuse and violence against women. Very little attention has been paid to the issue of domestic abuse and violence against men -- especially because violence against women has been so obvious and was ignored for so long.

Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and difference. For men or women, domestic violence includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door, or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon. Domestic abuse can also be mental or emotional. However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally, can in some cases be very different from what hurts a woman. For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a women. Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in different ways. In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse.

For example, the ability to tolerate and "brush off" a physical assault by women in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman. A significant number of of men are overly sensitive to emotional and psychological abuse. In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse. Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often "brutal" than men. Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal -- even deadly!

Domestic violence against men goes unrecognized for the following reasons:

• The incidence of domestic violence against men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.

• It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.

• The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.

• The counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women. Not enough has been done to stop abuse against women. There has been very little investment in resources to address the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.

• In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others.

• Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling like nobody would believe them. It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports. Women generally don't do those things.

The characteristics of men or women who are abusive fall into three categories including:

• Alcohol Abuse. Alcohol abuse is a major trigger in domestic violence. People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.

• Psychological Disorders. There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50 percent of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems, and alcohol abuse.

• Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions. Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration, and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood, or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.

Men stay in abusive and violent relationships for many different reasons. The following is a brief list of the primary reasons.

• Protecting Their Children. Abused men are afraid to leave their children alone with an abusive woman. They are afraid that if they leave they will never be allowed to see their children again. The man is afraid the woman will tell his children he is a bad person or that he doesn't love them.

• Assuming Blame (Guilt Prone). Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not. They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better.

• Dependency (or Fear of Independence). The abused man is mentally, emotionally, or financially dependent on the abusive woman. The idea of leaving the relationship creates significant feelings of depression or anxiety. They are "addicted" to each other.

HELP FOR MEN:

Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse and violence is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. Most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services. Community resources for breaking the cycle of violence are scarce and not well developed. If you are a man, or know a man who is suffering as a victim of domestic abuse and violence, it is important to seek help. Below are some important phone numbers that might be a good place to start ...

National Domestic Abuse Hotline	1 (800) 799 - SAFE (7233)
National Child Abuse Hotline	1 (800) 4 - A - CHILD (422-4453)

We All Know Somebody ...

I grew up in a small town where domestic violence is rarely spoken about. And, many women from the town are Christians. Sad thing is, many stay in abusive relationships because they feel leaving their husband is not the Christian way.

If you are a Christian woman and you are in an abusive relationship with your husband or partner, you need to know that you are not alone. You can get help. You can find protection. And you can be treated with respect, honor, and care. That's God's intent for you.

If you are not in a destructive relationship, I guarantee that this Sunday when you look around your church that your eyes will land on woman who is living a private life of hell. Something she was not created for. And, whether you recognize it or not, she is experiencing abuse.

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. How many one in four women do you know? Since you likely know more than four women, you also likely know someone who is experiencing domestic violence. She may be a co-worker, a fellow church member, a neighbor, a family member, or she may be YOU. Unfortunately, the one in four women statistic often does not include incidents of sexual, emotional, or economic abuse that go unreported. In most cases, women in these situations either feel too ashamed to expose their abuse or fear telling someone won't make a difference.

The victim of domestic abuse is one whose self-esteem has been diminished by constant criticism, blaming, name-calling, mocking, manipulation, public embarrassment, or humiliation. She may be more withdrawn and isolated under her husband or partner's control. She may seem anxious or uncomfortable, worrying about how her spouse or partner will treat her in front of others or what he'll think of her comments. She has pretty much lost the ability to think for herself or have her own opinions. She is not free. She has been robbed of her power to choose, which is a basic right that God gives every person.

Understanding how to use Scripture to combat domestic violence is key in helping abused women, especially since abusers often twist passages to justify their sinful behavior, according to Leslie Vernick, the author of the book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. She explains that abusive husbands often feel they are entitled for their wife to submit. Yet, when you force someone to do things your way, that is coercion, not submission, she says.

In the Old Testament book of Malachi, God says he hates a man who covers himself with violence (Malachi 2:16). God hates many things, but those things still happen because of sinful actions.

God also cares deeply for the mistreated and oppressed. According to Psalm 34:18, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The Bible also teaches that it is OK for an abused woman to seek help. Proverbs 27:12 tells us that the prudent see danger and take refuge. In 1 Samuel 20, David fled from Saul in an effort to protect his own life. Christ came to bring those in darkness into the light in John 12:46. God wants to bring abusers to repentance and bring healing to the abused.

Marriage vows are about care and protection. When someone is repeatedly breaking their marriage vows, it's impossible to have a relationship. God has given us a government to protect us against lawbreakers. When a husband is breaking the law by hurting his spouse, the law is there to offer protection.

And, women need to always remember that love should never hurt. If you are in a relationship and you are being hurt, that is not love. You need to get out. You need to do this sooner than later.

It's not just wives and adult women suffering from domestic violence. The process begins very early. Statistics show that one in five female high school students is being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. In addition, about 40 percent of girls 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

Young women are longing for family, community, and connectedness with others. Unfortunately, there has been a cultural break-down of these things. So when a girl finds herself being pursued by a guy, she experiences a rush of intoxicating feelings that are hard to resist, even at the risk of entering into an unhealthy relationship.

Women need to be learn how to avoid abusive relationships at a young age. Singles and adolescents need to discern carefully how a man responds to their needs outside the relationship. Before you get your heart wrapped up in a man or partner, you need to determine whether he has the capacity to respect your power to choose. If you choose something other than what he wants, can he handle it? If you learn he can't, it is best not to date that person.

Take the quiz:

(For the purposes of this quiz the abuser is male. Most victims of domestic violence are women, but we acknowledge that men can be victims, and abuse can occur in same-sex relationships as well – the abusive behaviors are the same.)

1. Your partner accuses you of flirting at a party when you weren’t.
   
   
   1. He loves you so much that he gets jealous and this is flattering to you.
   2. You try to tell him that it isn’t true but he won’t listen and calls you a slut.
   3. You tell him you weren’t flirting but he still doesn’t believe you. You know his jealousy is baseless and it’s not your responsibility to convince him otherwise.
      
      
2. You want to break up, but every time you talk about leaving, he says he can’t live without you.
   
   
   1. You hang in there even though you’re unhappy because you’re afraid he’ll be lost without you and you don’t want to hurt him.
   2. You break up, but when he cries and says he’ll do anything for you, you get back together.
   3. You know that this kind of dependence is unhealthy and suggest he get some counseling to help deal with the loss, but the relationship is over.
      
      
3. Your partner continually sends text messages to you at work and you’re worried it will affect your job. You’ve asked him to stop but he keeps sending them anyway.
   
   
   1. You go to the bathroom to text back every time you get a message and hope your co-workers don’t notice.
   2. You don’t answer the messages but he starts calling on the phone, and the receptionist is getting mad.
   3. You firmly tell him that he’s putting your job at risk and if he continues to call you’ll consider getting a restraining order, because this is not the kind of communication that should happen in a healthy relationship.
      
      
4. Your partner is a great person most of the time, but when he drinks he gets mean and says hurtful and embarrassing things about you in public. He always apologizes later and then goes back to being really nice. When he drinks it’s always to excess and he doesn’t seem to know how to stop.
   
   
   1. You accept his apology -- after all, when people drink they do stupid things sometimes.
   2. You beg him to stop drinking, but he doesn’t think he has a problem.
   3. You realize you can’t make someone stop drinking or using drugs, only they have the power to make those changes. If he’s not willing to take responsibility for his behavior, you have to decide what you can do for yourself.
      
      
5. Your partner only wants to do things as a couple and is jealous or angry when you spend time with anyone besides him.
   
   
   1. You’re flattered that he loves you so much he only wants to be with you.
   2. You feel a little smothered, but think it’s part of growing up to leave family and friends behind when you’re in love.
   3. You know that there’s no one person who can fulfill all your needs. You cherish the relationships you have with other people and continue to spend time with them and tell him that if it’s “all or nothing,” then it’s nothing.
      
      

If you answered C to the questions above, you are on the road to a healthy relationship. The scenarios in these quiz questions are all too common, and can indicate very dangerous situations. If you’re being stalked at work, called hurtful names, or being abused by someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs -- your relationship isn’t healthy. Without professional help, it will probably get worse.