Domestic violence is not a private matter. Behind closed doors it is shielded and hidden and it only intensifies. It is protected by silence – everyone's silence.
Most people find the idea of violence against women – and sometimes, though rarely, against men - abhorrent, but do nothing to challenge it. More women and children will continue to experience domestic violence unless we all speak out against it.
Domestic violence is a growing problem in the U.S. and seems to only be getting worse. Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a Commonwealth Fund survey. That is such an incredible number, its just unimaginable that so many women fall victim to this terrible crime. This is a problem that needs attention. Women need to become more educated about domestic violence so that they are able to get out before they get hurt, or before the violence escalates.
On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2001) This is unacceptable and we need to work together as a strong, powerful force and help put a stop to this.
If you or someone you know think that you are in an abusive relationship I urge you go to family, friends or a counselor and figure out a plan to get out. If you don't know the warning signs here are a few:
INTRUSION: Constantly asks you where you are going, who you are with, etc.
ISOLATION: Insists that you spend all or most of your time together, cutting you off from friends and family.
POSSESSION AND JEALOUSY: Accuses you of flirting/having sexual relationships with others; monitors your clothing/make-up.
NEED FOR CONTROL: Displays extreme anger when things do not go his way; attempts to make all of your decisions.
UNKNOWN PASTS / NO RESPECT FOR WOMEN: Secretive about past relationships; refers to women with negative remarks, etc.
Is overly sensitive - acts 'hurt' when not getting one's way, takes offense when others disagree with an opinion, gets very upset at small inconveniences that are just a normal part of life. Gets very serious with boyfriends/girlfriends very quickly - saying "I love you" very early in the relationship, wanting to move in together or get engaged after only a few months, or pressuring partner for a serious commitment.
If you would like more information about domestic violence or you would like to help put a stop to domestic violence visit the site below. Please if you are seeking help use a safe computer or call from a safe place.
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to the website http://www.ndvh.org
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Domestic Violence is real, it happens everyday. In one year alone it is estimated that 960,000 incidents of domestic violence against a current or former spouse boyfriend or girlfriend per year to three million women are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend per year.
Domestic violence is one of the most unreported crimes because it often goes unknown. The victims are afraid to speak out because of what could happen to them or their family.
Have you or someone you know ever experienced domestic violence?
Domestic violence is one of the most unreported crimes because it often goes unknown. The victims are afraid to speak out because of what could happen to them or their family.
Have you or someone you know ever experienced domestic violence?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Congresswoman Speaks Out Against Domestic Violence
So, I recently came across an issue of Latina Voices featuring California Congresswoman Loretta Sánchez in which she addresses the issue of Domestic Violence. I have decided to share with you some of the information with you in this post.
In case you are unfamiliar with Loretta Sánchez let me begin by stating that she has made protecting families from domestic violence a priority for the entirety of her seven terms on Capitol Hill. As one of only 74 females serving in the 435-member House of Reprehensive — and one of just seven Latinas — Sánchez has spearheaded the zero-tolerance policy for sexual abuse in the military and established the Family Justice Center in her home district in Orange County. The center offers help in English and Spanish for victims of domestic abuse. he 49-year-old Democrat serves as vice-chair of the House Homeland Security Committee and on the 10-member bicameral Economic Committee, which monitors such national vital signs as unemployment, foreclosures and interest rates.
Currently she is on a mission to educate the public on the correlation between domestic violence and poverty. She says that when people have financial problems, that’s when domestic violence increases. Seventy percent of the reasons people fight within a marriage has to do with financial reasons.
She says that in Latino/a cultures domestic violence is not more acceptable, but it is less talked about, so when it happens less help is available. She says the biggest thing is educating the community. Violence, domestic violence, is allowed to happen because people don’t speak up and say “Stop it already!” Women are afraid to say something because it’s quote “part of the Hispanic culture.”
Part of the challenge for the Hispanic culture, she says, is when we look at the studies, the first ones to be let go at jobs are usually minorities and women. Hispanics tend to lose their jobs sooner, more widely and they begin with lower income anyway, so they are probably stretched even further at this point. Many Hispanics families, especially new immigrant families, face even bigger stress factors. For example, they might have a family member who does not have the right documentation and is forced to leave the country.
In the end, she concludes that she knows the effect it has on a family and the effect it has on a woman. She also understands the effect it has on children. "We just need to work to stop it. We need to have the tools available to those women who are strong enough to move out of that situation and want to change," she says.
In case you are unfamiliar with Loretta Sánchez let me begin by stating that she has made protecting families from domestic violence a priority for the entirety of her seven terms on Capitol Hill. As one of only 74 females serving in the 435-member House of Reprehensive — and one of just seven Latinas — Sánchez has spearheaded the zero-tolerance policy for sexual abuse in the military and established the Family Justice Center in her home district in Orange County. The center offers help in English and Spanish for victims of domestic abuse. he 49-year-old Democrat serves as vice-chair of the House Homeland Security Committee and on the 10-member bicameral Economic Committee, which monitors such national vital signs as unemployment, foreclosures and interest rates.
Currently she is on a mission to educate the public on the correlation between domestic violence and poverty. She says that when people have financial problems, that’s when domestic violence increases. Seventy percent of the reasons people fight within a marriage has to do with financial reasons.
She says that in Latino/a cultures domestic violence is not more acceptable, but it is less talked about, so when it happens less help is available. She says the biggest thing is educating the community. Violence, domestic violence, is allowed to happen because people don’t speak up and say “Stop it already!” Women are afraid to say something because it’s quote “part of the Hispanic culture.”
Part of the challenge for the Hispanic culture, she says, is when we look at the studies, the first ones to be let go at jobs are usually minorities and women. Hispanics tend to lose their jobs sooner, more widely and they begin with lower income anyway, so they are probably stretched even further at this point. Many Hispanics families, especially new immigrant families, face even bigger stress factors. For example, they might have a family member who does not have the right documentation and is forced to leave the country.
In the end, she concludes that she knows the effect it has on a family and the effect it has on a woman. She also understands the effect it has on children. "We just need to work to stop it. We need to have the tools available to those women who are strong enough to move out of that situation and want to change," she says.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Take a Stand Against Domestic Violence
Virtually everyone knows that the economy is slumping, we are in the midst of a housing crunch, health care costs are spiraling out of control, and flu season is upon us. But there is another national crisis that deserves our attention and action: domestic violence.
One in four women will be the victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives. On average, three women are killed every day by someone who says, “I love you.” More than 15 million children are exposed to domestic violence each year.
Domestic violence is a silent killer in America long thought to be a private issue within one’s family. Yet, it affects everyone – women, men and children – and the numbers are chilling.
Intimate partner violence is widespread among all socio-economic groups, ethnicity, and demographics. Superstars like Rihanna and Halle Berry are survivors of abuse. So, too, are the 2.3 million Americans who are raped or physically assaulted by a current or former partner each year.
As October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, comes to an end, please join me in taking a stand against domestic violence in your community throughout the year. Coordinate a fundraising drive, volunteer your time, or make a donation. Contact your state’s coalition against domestic violence or a local program that serves survivors to see how you can help.
One in four women will be the victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives. On average, three women are killed every day by someone who says, “I love you.” More than 15 million children are exposed to domestic violence each year.
Domestic violence is a silent killer in America long thought to be a private issue within one’s family. Yet, it affects everyone – women, men and children – and the numbers are chilling.
Intimate partner violence is widespread among all socio-economic groups, ethnicity, and demographics. Superstars like Rihanna and Halle Berry are survivors of abuse. So, too, are the 2.3 million Americans who are raped or physically assaulted by a current or former partner each year.
As October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month, comes to an end, please join me in taking a stand against domestic violence in your community throughout the year. Coordinate a fundraising drive, volunteer your time, or make a donation. Contact your state’s coalition against domestic violence or a local program that serves survivors to see how you can help.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Musician Moby and the CA Senate
While I applaud Sen. Lee and Moby for pressing the California Senate to do the right thing, it is extremely unfortunate that it took the threat of a musician funding domestic violence shelters to move the legislature to action.
By the way, in case you don't understand what I am talking about, California Senator Leland Yee (D-San Francisco) teamed up with popular musician Moby to raise awareness on how the cuts harm the state’s vulnerable women and children. Moby had promised to contribute $85,000 in proceeds from three shows in California to make up for the $16 million budget shortfall impacting domestic violence shelters. Proceeds will go to the SOS Fund established by the California Partnership to End Violence. Already, six shelters have closed and many more are facing reductions in staff and services and possible closure. On the heels of all this, the California state legislature voted Oct. 16 to restore funding to domestic violence shelters, which had been entirely cut from Governor Schwarzenegger’s July budget.
Groups across the state have been fighting for women and children’s rights for years, and the government must support their efforts. And let’s not forget all the other cuts to state services including health care, child welfare programs, services for the elderly, money for state parks, and the list goes on. Let’s see if the California state legislature will have the courage to restore the entire half billion dollar in cuts, without Moby’s help.
By the way, in case you don't understand what I am talking about, California Senator Leland Yee (D-San Francisco) teamed up with popular musician Moby to raise awareness on how the cuts harm the state’s vulnerable women and children. Moby had promised to contribute $85,000 in proceeds from three shows in California to make up for the $16 million budget shortfall impacting domestic violence shelters. Proceeds will go to the SOS Fund established by the California Partnership to End Violence. Already, six shelters have closed and many more are facing reductions in staff and services and possible closure. On the heels of all this, the California state legislature voted Oct. 16 to restore funding to domestic violence shelters, which had been entirely cut from Governor Schwarzenegger’s July budget.
Groups across the state have been fighting for women and children’s rights for years, and the government must support their efforts. And let’s not forget all the other cuts to state services including health care, child welfare programs, services for the elderly, money for state parks, and the list goes on. Let’s see if the California state legislature will have the courage to restore the entire half billion dollar in cuts, without Moby’s help.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Domestic Violence Funding Restored
Back in special session, the state Senate approved a bill Wednesday, Oct. 14, that would restore $16.3 million in funding to 94 domestic violence shelters throughout California.
Republican senators held up the bill during the Legislature's final session last month because they were peeved some proposals they wanted had not been fulfilled.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger cut the funding as a line-item budget veto, arguing that the Legislature had not cut enough overall.
The bill that restores funding goes to the governor for his signature. The bill transfers money from the Renewable Fuel and Technology Fund to the General Fund as a loan.
Sen. Leland Yee, D-San Francisco, was the bill's original author. His name was removed during the end of the session, though, after he generated some ill will among fellow Democrats for not voting for budget cuts his colleagues felt they were forced to approve.
Sen. Elaine Alquist, D-Santa Clara, is listed as the author now.
Republican senators held up the bill during the Legislature's final session last month because they were peeved some proposals they wanted had not been fulfilled.
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger cut the funding as a line-item budget veto, arguing that the Legislature had not cut enough overall.
The bill that restores funding goes to the governor for his signature. The bill transfers money from the Renewable Fuel and Technology Fund to the General Fund as a loan.
Sen. Leland Yee, D-San Francisco, was the bill's original author. His name was removed during the end of the session, though, after he generated some ill will among fellow Democrats for not voting for budget cuts his colleagues felt they were forced to approve.
Sen. Elaine Alquist, D-Santa Clara, is listed as the author now.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and the National Coalition For Men (NCFM) anticipates two successful high profile legal rulings this year and last year in West Virginia and California, respectively, will bring needed attention to the hidden, overlooked side of partner abuse – male victims.
On October 2, 2009, a West Virginia judge struck down state rules for regulating domestic violence shelters because they operate “on the premise that only men can be batterers and only women can be victims” and “exclude adult and adolescent males from their statutory right to safety and security free from domestic violence” based only on their gender.”
One year ago on October 14, 2008, NCFM won a landmark appellate victory in California, which held that state laws violated men’s equal protection rights by excluded male victims from state-funded domestic violence services. The court found ”domestic violence is a serious problem for both women and men” and that “men experience significant levels of domestic violence as victims.” The court also found 15% of state-funded programs deny men services, but NCFM believes it is higher, as programs often “help” by only giving referrals.
More attention is needed for male victims and their children, as both are overlooked in state-funded outreach and services. And, for several reasons, men are already less likely than women to seek help for domestic violence. A major national study funded by the Centers for Disease Control in 2007 found women initiate or commit at least half of heterosexual domestic violence and both sexes suffered significant injuries. http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/42/15/31-a
This is supported by more than 200 other empirical studies summarized in an online bibliography by Professor Martin Fiebert of California State University. See www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm This research is more reliable than crime data because men are less likely to report the violence or to respond positively to crime surveys. But regardless of statistics, services should be need-based, not gender-based. When victims don’t get help, the violence often escalates, and children are emotionally damaged by witnessing it.
On October 2, 2009, a West Virginia judge struck down state rules for regulating domestic violence shelters because they operate “on the premise that only men can be batterers and only women can be victims” and “exclude adult and adolescent males from their statutory right to safety and security free from domestic violence” based only on their gender.”
One year ago on October 14, 2008, NCFM won a landmark appellate victory in California, which held that state laws violated men’s equal protection rights by excluded male victims from state-funded domestic violence services. The court found ”domestic violence is a serious problem for both women and men” and that “men experience significant levels of domestic violence as victims.” The court also found 15% of state-funded programs deny men services, but NCFM believes it is higher, as programs often “help” by only giving referrals.
More attention is needed for male victims and their children, as both are overlooked in state-funded outreach and services. And, for several reasons, men are already less likely than women to seek help for domestic violence. A major national study funded by the Centers for Disease Control in 2007 found women initiate or commit at least half of heterosexual domestic violence and both sexes suffered significant injuries. http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/42/15/31-a
This is supported by more than 200 other empirical studies summarized in an online bibliography by Professor Martin Fiebert of California State University. See www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm This research is more reliable than crime data because men are less likely to report the violence or to respond positively to crime surveys. But regardless of statistics, services should be need-based, not gender-based. When victims don’t get help, the violence often escalates, and children are emotionally damaged by witnessing it.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Violent Upbringing May Lead to DV
A recent study from the latest issue of Personal Relationships shows that individuals who have experienced violence at an early age may have trouble adjusting to healthy, adult romantic relationships and are at a higher risk to experience marital difficulties. The research reveals that early exposure to a violent environment is likely to lead to domestic violence situations later in life. Feelings of insecurity, abandonment anxiety, and intimacy issues are also likely to plague these romantic connections.
Additionally, the dynamics of the way couples react and communicate with each other is also related to the likelihood of domestic violence within a relationship. For example, men tend to use violence towards their partner as a means to exert a desire for personal space or avoidance of emotional issues in response to the "clingy" or intrusive behavior of his female partner.
This research highlights the importance of domestic violence prevention efforts starting at the childhood level, within family environments as well as school and community based settings. Moreover, prevention efforts allow the victim to relate long-harbored painful childhood violent experiences and rectify internal representations of self that cause long-term damage to valuable inter-personal relationships and families.
Additionally, the dynamics of the way couples react and communicate with each other is also related to the likelihood of domestic violence within a relationship. For example, men tend to use violence towards their partner as a means to exert a desire for personal space or avoidance of emotional issues in response to the "clingy" or intrusive behavior of his female partner.
This research highlights the importance of domestic violence prevention efforts starting at the childhood level, within family environments as well as school and community based settings. Moreover, prevention efforts allow the victim to relate long-harbored painful childhood violent experiences and rectify internal representations of self that cause long-term damage to valuable inter-personal relationships and families.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Honoring the 15th Anniversary of VAWA
Today is the first day of October, which means it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. National Domestic Violence Awareness Month is observed every October across the country. National, state, and community organizations for violence prevention and victim services, businesses, health care providers, and others mark the month with educational programs, recognition and memorial ceremonies, community outreach, and other efforts.
Any violence taking place within a family or intimate relationship is domestic violence. It includes abuse of spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends, children, and elderly people. Domestic violence cuts across all socioeconomic, ethnic, racial, religious, and age groups.
Studies show that children who witness violence at home experience behavioral problems and increased aggression, have less developed social and conflict resolution skills, and may suffer long-term developmental effects. These youth are also at risk of engaging in future violence and of being abused themselves. Researchers have found that people who batter their partners are also more likely to abuse their children.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides services in English and Spanish, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you or someone you know is being abused, contact the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
On a related subject, women’s groups, including National Domestic Violence Hotline CEO Sheryl Cates, gathered at Vice President Joe Biden’s home on the evening of Sept. 29 to toast the 15th anniversary of landmark legislation aimed at eliminating violence against women.
"You’ve helped so many women step out of the darkness. You’ve helped so many young girls expect a different future, expect different treatment," Biden said as he commemorated the 1994 Violence Against Women Act. "This is a day to celebrate. We have so much to be proud of."
In addition to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, The National Women’s Law Center, FaithTrust Institute, National Network to End Domestic Violence and American Association of University Women were among the groups invited to the vice president’s residence, located on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Observatory in northwest Washington.
Biden recalled how domestic violence was once regarded as a private matter. "It wasn’t the business of the government. It’s a family matter," he told about 100 guests. Advocates for women inspired a different attitude, he said.
The Violence Against Women Act, crafted by Biden while he served on the Senate Judiciary Committee as a senator from Delaware, led to more money for women’s shelters and law-enforcement training.
Domestic violence rates fell sharply between 1993 and 2004. The Bureau of Justice Statistics said that "intimate partner violence" rates fell by more than 50 percent, which some experts attributed to key elements of the 1994 law.
Any violence taking place within a family or intimate relationship is domestic violence. It includes abuse of spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends, children, and elderly people. Domestic violence cuts across all socioeconomic, ethnic, racial, religious, and age groups.
Studies show that children who witness violence at home experience behavioral problems and increased aggression, have less developed social and conflict resolution skills, and may suffer long-term developmental effects. These youth are also at risk of engaging in future violence and of being abused themselves. Researchers have found that people who batter their partners are also more likely to abuse their children.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides services in English and Spanish, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you or someone you know is being abused, contact the hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
On a related subject, women’s groups, including National Domestic Violence Hotline CEO Sheryl Cates, gathered at Vice President Joe Biden’s home on the evening of Sept. 29 to toast the 15th anniversary of landmark legislation aimed at eliminating violence against women.
"You’ve helped so many women step out of the darkness. You’ve helped so many young girls expect a different future, expect different treatment," Biden said as he commemorated the 1994 Violence Against Women Act. "This is a day to celebrate. We have so much to be proud of."
In addition to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, The National Women’s Law Center, FaithTrust Institute, National Network to End Domestic Violence and American Association of University Women were among the groups invited to the vice president’s residence, located on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Observatory in northwest Washington.
Biden recalled how domestic violence was once regarded as a private matter. "It wasn’t the business of the government. It’s a family matter," he told about 100 guests. Advocates for women inspired a different attitude, he said.
The Violence Against Women Act, crafted by Biden while he served on the Senate Judiciary Committee as a senator from Delaware, led to more money for women’s shelters and law-enforcement training.
Domestic violence rates fell sharply between 1993 and 2004. The Bureau of Justice Statistics said that "intimate partner violence" rates fell by more than 50 percent, which some experts attributed to key elements of the 1994 law.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Domestic Violence by Proxy
As more and more abused women lose custody to batterers in family courts, they are wrongly embracing the very ideas that enabled their abusers to gain custody in the first place. False accusations of “parental alienation" are often used by batterers to gain custody and to defend against accusations of abuse.
Some unfortunate women after years of enduring domestic violence have then lost custody to the batterers who abused them. In these cases, batterers have made good on their threat to attack their ex-partner in the place she is the most vulnerable—by taking her children away from her. After separation, these batterers continue to wage their campaign of manipulation and abuse by attempting to convince involved children that their mothers never loved them. Looking for a way to describe their batterers' behavior, some mothers have called what their batterer is doing "parental alienation syndrome."
In reality, what these women are describing from their ex-partners is better termed Domestic Violence by Proxy (DV by Proxy), a term first used by Alina Patterson, author of Health and Healing . DV by Proxy refers to a pattern of behavior which is a parent with a history of using domestic violence or intimidation, uses a child as a substitute when he no longer has access to his former partner. Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.
When his victim leaves him, batterers often recognize that the most expedient way to continue to hurt his partner is to assert his legal rights to control her access to their children. By gaining control of the children, an abusive male now has a powerful tool which allows him to continue to stalk, harass and batter an ex-partner even when he has no direct access to her. Moreover, by emotionally torturing the child and severing the bond between children and their mother, he is able to hurt his intended victim -- the mother -- in a way she cannot resist.
DV by Proxy includes tactics such as: threats of harm to children if they display a positive bond to the mother, destroying favored possessions given by the mother, and emotional torture (for example, telling the child the mother hates them, wanted an abortion, and is not coming to get them because they are unloved).
DV by Proxy may also include coaching the child to make false allegations regarding their mother's behavior and harming or punishing the child for not complying. DV by Proxy perpetrators may also create fraudulent documents to defraud the court in order to prevent the mother from gaining custody. Whether or not the child is biologically related to them is irrelevant to perpetrators of DV by Proxy. The perpetrator's main motivation is to hurt his ex; whether or not his own child is harmed in the process is irrelevant to him.
This is very different from "parental alienation syndrome" as described by the late Richard A. Gardner. Dr. Gardner described PAS as is an internal process by which a child aligns themselves with a preferred parent to protect themselves from the divorce conflict. “PAS” is conceptualized as a psychological process of identification with a parent who, according to the theory, encourages this identification at the expense of the other parent.
PAS inducing parents, according to Gardner, are often unconscious of what they are doing to encourage the identification. In contrast, perpetrators of DV by Proxy are very conscious of what they are doing. Controlling, coercive, illegal acts often done by abusive and controlling people, usually men, are not subtle, and do not encourage an identification with a parent. Criminal, fraudulent, coercive acts are visible and obvious. These behaviors encourage compliance by threats and fear. Behaviors involved in DV by Proxy are deliberate and often illegal. These behaviors include: battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.
The most dangerous aspect of Gardner's PAS theory is that that the alienating parent's behavior is theorized to be so subtle as to be unobservable. In other words, the behaviors that are supposed to cause the alienation are assumed to be happening without any proof that they have actually occurred. As many women have discovered this makes a charge of "alienation" almost impossible to defend against.
While Gardner's theories regarding PAS have been shown to be overly general and have not been supported by careful research, behaviors seen in DV by Proxy can be readily observed. Behaviors involved in DV by Proxy are deliberate and planned; many are illegal, and if the child is given the freedom to talk, will be described in great detail by the child.
If the child's formerly favorable view of the victimized parent changes when exposed to tactics like this over time then it is more likely a form of "Stockholm Syndrome" or traumatic attachment to the abuser, rather than the alignment with one parent and negative reaction to the other that Gardner described as "alienation".
Some unfortunate women after years of enduring domestic violence have then lost custody to the batterers who abused them. In these cases, batterers have made good on their threat to attack their ex-partner in the place she is the most vulnerable—by taking her children away from her. After separation, these batterers continue to wage their campaign of manipulation and abuse by attempting to convince involved children that their mothers never loved them. Looking for a way to describe their batterers' behavior, some mothers have called what their batterer is doing "parental alienation syndrome."
In reality, what these women are describing from their ex-partners is better termed Domestic Violence by Proxy (DV by Proxy), a term first used by Alina Patterson, author of Health and Healing . DV by Proxy refers to a pattern of behavior which is a parent with a history of using domestic violence or intimidation, uses a child as a substitute when he no longer has access to his former partner. Calling this behavior “parental alienation” is not strong enough to convey the criminal pattern of terroristic behaviors employed by batterers.
When his victim leaves him, batterers often recognize that the most expedient way to continue to hurt his partner is to assert his legal rights to control her access to their children. By gaining control of the children, an abusive male now has a powerful tool which allows him to continue to stalk, harass and batter an ex-partner even when he has no direct access to her. Moreover, by emotionally torturing the child and severing the bond between children and their mother, he is able to hurt his intended victim -- the mother -- in a way she cannot resist.
DV by Proxy includes tactics such as: threats of harm to children if they display a positive bond to the mother, destroying favored possessions given by the mother, and emotional torture (for example, telling the child the mother hates them, wanted an abortion, and is not coming to get them because they are unloved).
DV by Proxy may also include coaching the child to make false allegations regarding their mother's behavior and harming or punishing the child for not complying. DV by Proxy perpetrators may also create fraudulent documents to defraud the court in order to prevent the mother from gaining custody. Whether or not the child is biologically related to them is irrelevant to perpetrators of DV by Proxy. The perpetrator's main motivation is to hurt his ex; whether or not his own child is harmed in the process is irrelevant to him.
This is very different from "parental alienation syndrome" as described by the late Richard A. Gardner. Dr. Gardner described PAS as is an internal process by which a child aligns themselves with a preferred parent to protect themselves from the divorce conflict. “PAS” is conceptualized as a psychological process of identification with a parent who, according to the theory, encourages this identification at the expense of the other parent.
PAS inducing parents, according to Gardner, are often unconscious of what they are doing to encourage the identification. In contrast, perpetrators of DV by Proxy are very conscious of what they are doing. Controlling, coercive, illegal acts often done by abusive and controlling people, usually men, are not subtle, and do not encourage an identification with a parent. Criminal, fraudulent, coercive acts are visible and obvious. These behaviors encourage compliance by threats and fear. Behaviors involved in DV by Proxy are deliberate and often illegal. These behaviors include: battery, destruction of property, locking children in rooms to prevent them from calling parents, falsifying documents, along with other similar overt behaviors.
The most dangerous aspect of Gardner's PAS theory is that that the alienating parent's behavior is theorized to be so subtle as to be unobservable. In other words, the behaviors that are supposed to cause the alienation are assumed to be happening without any proof that they have actually occurred. As many women have discovered this makes a charge of "alienation" almost impossible to defend against.
While Gardner's theories regarding PAS have been shown to be overly general and have not been supported by careful research, behaviors seen in DV by Proxy can be readily observed. Behaviors involved in DV by Proxy are deliberate and planned; many are illegal, and if the child is given the freedom to talk, will be described in great detail by the child.
If the child's formerly favorable view of the victimized parent changes when exposed to tactics like this over time then it is more likely a form of "Stockholm Syndrome" or traumatic attachment to the abuser, rather than the alignment with one parent and negative reaction to the other that Gardner described as "alienation".
Monday, September 14, 2009
You've Got to Be Kidding Me ...
Domestic Violence Victims Have a Pre-Existing Condition?
Insurance companies have used the excuse of "pre-existing conditions" to deny coverage to countless Americans. From cancer patients to the elderly suffering from arthritis, these organizations have padded their profit margins by limiting coverage to patients deemed "high risk" because of their medical condition. I know this first hand as I have Multiple Sclerosis and have been denied insurance time and time again due to my pre-existing condition of M.S. As a result, I am one of the millions of Americans without health insurance. It's not that I wouldn't like it. It's that I can't seem to get accepted by any insurance company to let me have it because of my pre-existing condition called Multiple Sclerosis.
This is bad enough, and just when a person thinks it can't get any worse, several states have decided to declare "domestic violence" victims as having a pre-existing condition. The madness really needs to cease!
It's true: In Arkansas, D.C., Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, and Wyoming, insurance companies have gone too far, claiming that "domestic violence victim" is also a pre-existing condition.
Words cannot describe the sheer inhumanity of this claim. It serves as yet further proof that our insurance system is broken, destroyed by the profit-mongering of the very companies who's sole purpose should be to provide Americans with access to care when they need it most. In 1994, an informal survey conducted by the Subcommittee on Crime and Criminal Justice of the United States Senate Judiciary Committee revealed that 8 of the 16 largest insurers in the country used domestic violence as a factor when deciding whether to extend coverage and how much to charge if coverage was extended.
It is clear that insurance companies refuse to police themselves. It's up to us to call on Congress to take action now to pass health care reform and end discrimination against patients with pre-existing conditions.
Insurance companies have used the excuse of "pre-existing conditions" to deny coverage to countless Americans. From cancer patients to the elderly suffering from arthritis, these organizations have padded their profit margins by limiting coverage to patients deemed "high risk" because of their medical condition. I know this first hand as I have Multiple Sclerosis and have been denied insurance time and time again due to my pre-existing condition of M.S. As a result, I am one of the millions of Americans without health insurance. It's not that I wouldn't like it. It's that I can't seem to get accepted by any insurance company to let me have it because of my pre-existing condition called Multiple Sclerosis.
This is bad enough, and just when a person thinks it can't get any worse, several states have decided to declare "domestic violence" victims as having a pre-existing condition. The madness really needs to cease!
It's true: In Arkansas, D.C., Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, and Wyoming, insurance companies have gone too far, claiming that "domestic violence victim" is also a pre-existing condition.
Words cannot describe the sheer inhumanity of this claim. It serves as yet further proof that our insurance system is broken, destroyed by the profit-mongering of the very companies who's sole purpose should be to provide Americans with access to care when they need it most. In 1994, an informal survey conducted by the Subcommittee on Crime and Criminal Justice of the United States Senate Judiciary Committee revealed that 8 of the 16 largest insurers in the country used domestic violence as a factor when deciding whether to extend coverage and how much to charge if coverage was extended.
It is clear that insurance companies refuse to police themselves. It's up to us to call on Congress to take action now to pass health care reform and end discrimination against patients with pre-existing conditions.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Everyone Knows Someone ...
Everyone knows not just one but many victims of domestic violence. One out of four women in the United States is affected by domestic violence in their lifetime, so if it isn't you, it's someone in your immediate circle of friends, family, and co-workers.
The truth is, domestic violence impacts us all; an estimated seven people are impacted by each single incident of domestic violence. In my quest to change the public attitude about domestic violence, I have become honest about domestic violence.
Domestic violence doesn't care how much money you flash, what kind of car you drive, where your kids go to school, or what you do for a living. And it doesn't care how many victims it leaves in its wake. Our friends are degraded; our sisters, daughters and mothers are isolated; our co-workers are punched, hit, and kicked; and worst of all, when an abuser can't charm us, this same abuser tries to intimidate each and every one of us.
You say you wouldn't allow this to happen. I don't really know anyone who would. But when we're talking about domestic violence, it's what we don't do that tells the story. We don't become outraged when there's no reason why we shouldn't.
Domestic violence consumes us because it is relentless. It knocks on our door at any hour of the day or night. And, worst of all, it generates a devastating transformation in our lives. So this is a call to action. Everyone needs to be the voice saying this is not acceptable.
Speak against domestic violence, write against domestic violence, sing and dance against domestic violence. Form neighborhood groups, organize task forces, testify against domestic violence. Just do something. Because doing nothing sends the message that domestic violence is OK.
If you don't think domestic violence is close by, look around. It is in our communities, workplaces, schools and homes. And if you ask me, it doesn't get any closer than that.
The truth is, domestic violence impacts us all; an estimated seven people are impacted by each single incident of domestic violence. In my quest to change the public attitude about domestic violence, I have become honest about domestic violence.
Domestic violence doesn't care how much money you flash, what kind of car you drive, where your kids go to school, or what you do for a living. And it doesn't care how many victims it leaves in its wake. Our friends are degraded; our sisters, daughters and mothers are isolated; our co-workers are punched, hit, and kicked; and worst of all, when an abuser can't charm us, this same abuser tries to intimidate each and every one of us.
You say you wouldn't allow this to happen. I don't really know anyone who would. But when we're talking about domestic violence, it's what we don't do that tells the story. We don't become outraged when there's no reason why we shouldn't.
Domestic violence consumes us because it is relentless. It knocks on our door at any hour of the day or night. And, worst of all, it generates a devastating transformation in our lives. So this is a call to action. Everyone needs to be the voice saying this is not acceptable.
Speak against domestic violence, write against domestic violence, sing and dance against domestic violence. Form neighborhood groups, organize task forces, testify against domestic violence. Just do something. Because doing nothing sends the message that domestic violence is OK.
If you don't think domestic violence is close by, look around. It is in our communities, workplaces, schools and homes. And if you ask me, it doesn't get any closer than that.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Secretiveness Can Kill
I've decided to keep this post short and to the point ... So, here it goes ...
Denying the past dooms us to repeat it. And, thus, the cycle continues. The pervasiveness of domestic violence trauma and its long lasting impact is the big secret, and survivors who try to talk about their experiences are often shamed and stigmatized. Fact is, the silencing, minimizing, and blaming that can occur when a survivor tries to tell his/her story is a whole other level of traumatization. I see visibility and conversation about trauma-related topics like domestic violence is crucial. It is why I see blogging and using social media to be an important part of my advocacy to combat domestic violence. By speaking out about trauma and its impact I hope to support those who must live with it and to educate those who do not yet understand.
I was lucky –- I pulled the plug on the cycle by leaving my abusive relationship. Of course, that didn’t stop me from having to deal with PTSD, but it certainly has kept me out of harm’s way in a practical sense.
Denying the past dooms us to repeat it. And, thus, the cycle continues. The pervasiveness of domestic violence trauma and its long lasting impact is the big secret, and survivors who try to talk about their experiences are often shamed and stigmatized. Fact is, the silencing, minimizing, and blaming that can occur when a survivor tries to tell his/her story is a whole other level of traumatization. I see visibility and conversation about trauma-related topics like domestic violence is crucial. It is why I see blogging and using social media to be an important part of my advocacy to combat domestic violence. By speaking out about trauma and its impact I hope to support those who must live with it and to educate those who do not yet understand.
I was lucky –- I pulled the plug on the cycle by leaving my abusive relationship. Of course, that didn’t stop me from having to deal with PTSD, but it certainly has kept me out of harm’s way in a practical sense.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your boyfriend or partner:
* is willing to compromise
* lets you feel comfortable being yourself
* is able to admit to being wrong
* tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
* respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
* accepts you saying no to things you don’t want to do (like sex)
* accepts you changing your mind
* respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship
When someone loves you; you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn’t be made to feel intimidated or controlled.
So, once you've left your abuser, you might wonder how you'll be able to survive since you've been dependent on your abusive partner for so long. For starters, you re-build from the inside out. You will find that as you do what you love, you glow, and you long to do more of it. As you do more of it, you shine and become a magnet for people to support your doing more and more of it.
What does this have to do with your self-worth? When you are having fun doing what you love and this is making you self-sufficient, your "lack of self-worth" is no longer an issue, as you so clearly feel and see your worth, and so do those around you.
If you have left an abusive relationship or are contemplating doing so, do not let your capacity to earn cause you to descend into a state of depression. Pick yourself up and look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What would I be doing, if I were financially free?"
Once you have the answer to that question, all of the other pieces can come together to enable your doing this. And as you do, you will be on your road to obtaining inner and outer wealth.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
* is willing to compromise
* lets you feel comfortable being yourself
* is able to admit to being wrong
* tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
* respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
* accepts you saying no to things you don’t want to do (like sex)
* accepts you changing your mind
* respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship
When someone loves you; you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn’t be made to feel intimidated or controlled.
So, once you've left your abuser, you might wonder how you'll be able to survive since you've been dependent on your abusive partner for so long. For starters, you re-build from the inside out. You will find that as you do what you love, you glow, and you long to do more of it. As you do more of it, you shine and become a magnet for people to support your doing more and more of it.
What does this have to do with your self-worth? When you are having fun doing what you love and this is making you self-sufficient, your "lack of self-worth" is no longer an issue, as you so clearly feel and see your worth, and so do those around you.
If you have left an abusive relationship or are contemplating doing so, do not let your capacity to earn cause you to descend into a state of depression. Pick yourself up and look in the mirror and ask yourself: "What would I be doing, if I were financially free?"
Once you have the answer to that question, all of the other pieces can come together to enable your doing this. And as you do, you will be on your road to obtaining inner and outer wealth.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Friday, August 21, 2009
ABA Launches Pro Bono Website
I recently heard that the American Bar Association (ABA) Commission on Domestic Violence this week announced the first national online directory of resources for attorneys seeking to help victims on a pro bono basis.
Although men also experience domestic violence, research shows the majority of victims are women. Around the world, at least one in four women has experienced some form of violence or abuse during her lifetime, and studies show some 10 million children witness domestic violence each year. This pro bono website, along with ABA and their partners’ other initiatives, is another positive step in the effort to prevent domestic violence and create awareness of the issue.
The online directory includes the types of cases these programs accept – e.g., immigration, housing, restraining orders, family law -- the scope of representation; the frequency and content of trainings for pro bono lawyers; and the on-going supervision and/or support provided to pro bono lawyers.
Initially made possible through a grant from the Avon Foundation, which funded the research and start-up costs of the project, the commission joined with Pro Bono Net, a national nonprofit organization working closely with nonprofit legal organizations across the United States and Canada, to create and develop the online directory.
The new website includes a directory of national programs and the types of services they provide. It also points volunteer attorneys to pro bono opportunities and resources that will be helpful in representing victims.
For more information, go to the website http://www.probono.net/dv
NOTE: Founded in 1994, the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence is the only national organization that focuses exclusively on improving the legal response to domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. The mission of the Commission is to increase access to justice for victims of domestic violence by mobilizing the legal profession. Recent studies have confirmed that access to legal representation is one of the most effective resources for victims of domestic violence to escape violent situations. The Commission addresses the acute need to increase the number of well-trained and supported attorneys providing representation to victims of domestic violence by providing on-going in-person, web-based, and telephonic training opportunities for attorneys, law students, and other legal advocates. Additional information is available at www.abanet.org/domviol
Although men also experience domestic violence, research shows the majority of victims are women. Around the world, at least one in four women has experienced some form of violence or abuse during her lifetime, and studies show some 10 million children witness domestic violence each year. This pro bono website, along with ABA and their partners’ other initiatives, is another positive step in the effort to prevent domestic violence and create awareness of the issue.
The online directory includes the types of cases these programs accept – e.g., immigration, housing, restraining orders, family law -- the scope of representation; the frequency and content of trainings for pro bono lawyers; and the on-going supervision and/or support provided to pro bono lawyers.
Initially made possible through a grant from the Avon Foundation, which funded the research and start-up costs of the project, the commission joined with Pro Bono Net, a national nonprofit organization working closely with nonprofit legal organizations across the United States and Canada, to create and develop the online directory.
The new website includes a directory of national programs and the types of services they provide. It also points volunteer attorneys to pro bono opportunities and resources that will be helpful in representing victims.
For more information, go to the website http://www.probono.net/dv
NOTE: Founded in 1994, the ABA Commission on Domestic Violence is the only national organization that focuses exclusively on improving the legal response to domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking. The mission of the Commission is to increase access to justice for victims of domestic violence by mobilizing the legal profession. Recent studies have confirmed that access to legal representation is one of the most effective resources for victims of domestic violence to escape violent situations. The Commission addresses the acute need to increase the number of well-trained and supported attorneys providing representation to victims of domestic violence by providing on-going in-person, web-based, and telephonic training opportunities for attorneys, law students, and other legal advocates. Additional information is available at www.abanet.org/domviol
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Violence Against Women Act
We have come a long way from the days in which police and legal institutions treated violence against women as only a family or private matter. Likewise, general public understanding of domestic abuse and sexual assault has improved, as advocates, educators and survivors have spent years explaining why “she was asking for it” couldn’t be farther from the truth. A major testament to this progress is the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), passed 15 years ago, which identified violence against women and girls as a national epidemic, requiring a national response. Under VAWA more than $9 billion has been appropriated thus far to improve services for survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and teen dating violence and to educate law enforcement and members of the judiciary to improve prosecution of these crimes and the effectiveness of offender management. Still, this is only a fraction of the funds necessary to sustain these services for the millions of individuals and families in need.
With the current state of the economy, the rising levels of frustration, and persistent attitudes that cast women as deserving targets, the reauthorization of VAWA, due for consideration in 2010, provides an important opportunity to look again at what continues to be a national crisis.
With the current state of the economy, the rising levels of frustration, and persistent attitudes that cast women as deserving targets, the reauthorization of VAWA, due for consideration in 2010, provides an important opportunity to look again at what continues to be a national crisis.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Men Who Batter
Men who batter come from all socioeconomic backgrounds, races and walks of life. The abuser may be a blue-collar or white-collar worker, unemployed, or highly paid. He may be a drinker or nondrinker. Batterers represent all different personalities, family backgrounds, and professions. In summation, there is no "typical batterer."
The majority of batterers are only violent with their wives or female partners. For example, one study found that 90 percent of abusers do not have criminal records, and that batterers are generally law abiding outside the home. It is estimated that only about 5 to 10 percent of batterers commit acts of physical and sexual violence against other people as well as their female partners.
Although there is no personality profile of the abuser, there are some behaviors that are common among men who batter their partners. Some of these include:
* Denying the existence or minimizing the seriousness of the violence and its effects on the victim and other family members;
* Showing extreme jealousy and possessiveness which often leads to isolation of the victim from other family members;
* Refusing to take responsibility for the abuse by blaming it on a loss of control due to the effects of alcohol or drugs, frustration, stress, or the victim's
behavior; and
* Holding rigid, traditional views of sex roles and parenting.
Why Do Men Batter?
Typically, when trying to understand why men batter, people want to look for what is "wrong" with them, believing they must be sick in some way. However, battering is not a mental illness that can be diagnosed, but a learned behavioral choice. Men choose to batter their partners because the choice is there to make and, until quite recently, there has been no consequence for these actions.
Battering is the extreme expression of the belief in male dominance over women. To understand why men may choose to batter, it is important to look at what they get out of using violence. Men use physical force to maintain power and control over their relationships with their female partners. They have learned that violence "works" to achieve this end.
Many batterers grew up in homes where they or a sibling were physically abused or where their mother was abused by their father. In one batterers program, for example, 70 percent of participants came from violent homes. In fact, witnessing domestic violence as a child has been identified as the most common risk factor for becoming a batterer in adulthood.
While many batterers have substance abuse problems, there is no evidence that alcohol of drugs cause violent behavior. In fact, batterers may abuse their partners when they are intoxicated as well as when they are sober.
The majority of batterers are only violent with their wives or female partners. For example, one study found that 90 percent of abusers do not have criminal records, and that batterers are generally law abiding outside the home. It is estimated that only about 5 to 10 percent of batterers commit acts of physical and sexual violence against other people as well as their female partners.
Although there is no personality profile of the abuser, there are some behaviors that are common among men who batter their partners. Some of these include:
* Denying the existence or minimizing the seriousness of the violence and its effects on the victim and other family members;
* Showing extreme jealousy and possessiveness which often leads to isolation of the victim from other family members;
* Refusing to take responsibility for the abuse by blaming it on a loss of control due to the effects of alcohol or drugs, frustration, stress, or the victim's
behavior; and
* Holding rigid, traditional views of sex roles and parenting.
Why Do Men Batter?
Typically, when trying to understand why men batter, people want to look for what is "wrong" with them, believing they must be sick in some way. However, battering is not a mental illness that can be diagnosed, but a learned behavioral choice. Men choose to batter their partners because the choice is there to make and, until quite recently, there has been no consequence for these actions.
Battering is the extreme expression of the belief in male dominance over women. To understand why men may choose to batter, it is important to look at what they get out of using violence. Men use physical force to maintain power and control over their relationships with their female partners. They have learned that violence "works" to achieve this end.
Many batterers grew up in homes where they or a sibling were physically abused or where their mother was abused by their father. In one batterers program, for example, 70 percent of participants came from violent homes. In fact, witnessing domestic violence as a child has been identified as the most common risk factor for becoming a batterer in adulthood.
While many batterers have substance abuse problems, there is no evidence that alcohol of drugs cause violent behavior. In fact, batterers may abuse their partners when they are intoxicated as well as when they are sober.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Bill Could Save California DV Programs
So, I recently heard that California's Senator Leland Yee announced legislation on August 4 aimed at saving domestic violence programs and shelters statewide that had funding cut by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. The line-item budget veto of the California Department of Public Health’s Domestic Violence Program eliminated $16.3 million, that was allocated to 94 domestic violence shelters and centers, according to Yee’s office. The senator’s legislation allocates $16.3 million from the victims’ compensation fund to the Domestic Violence Program.
The Senate is on recess until Aug. 19 and will finish Sep. 11, giving the bill less than a month to win two-thirds of the legislature’s support. If passed and signed, it will go into effect immediately.
The Senate is on recess until Aug. 19 and will finish Sep. 11, giving the bill less than a month to win two-thirds of the legislature’s support. If passed and signed, it will go into effect immediately.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Men: Silent Victims of Domestic Violence
Although most of the time it is women who are in the news reported as being victims of domestic violence, men are also victims at times. In fact, according to the Department of Justice report on the National Violence Against Women Survey, nearly 900,000 men are victims of physical violence by a domestic partner. That roughly translates to a man being beaten every 38 seconds. The government counts both heterosexual and homosexual male victims of abuse in the study.
In general, the gender breakdown of callers to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 85 percent women to 15 percent men. From 2003 to present, male victims calling the hotline represent a mere 2.41 percent of all calls. Even so, NDVH have recorded calls for help from 19,046 men in that five-year period.
Of the men living with abusive women, most do not report incidents of abuse to police unless the injury is significant enough to result in emergency medical care. The primary reason for non-reporting is shame. Because of this trend, scientific studies by a number of renowned universities and social agencies, and governmental departments such as the Department of Justice, uncover a better picture of this victim group than police and court records.
Studies show that men are more likely to be hit with an object or stabbed while women are more likely to be hit with a fist, kicked or shot. While abused men remain in the relationship for many reasons, the top three reasons, according to the Department of Justice report are:
1. Protecting their children.
Fearing the courts will automatically give custody to the mother, the father worries that his children will be abused if they leave the family home.
2. Assuming blame.
In this situation, men buy into the woman’s reasons for delivering abuse rather than recognizing the abuse is unreasonable. This trait is common among both women and men.
3. Dependency.
The man is dependent on the woman for financial, social, or emotional support and fears the loss of such if he leaves the relationship. This trait, too, is shared between women and men suffering abuse.
The toll free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), and the web site address for more information is http://www.ndvh.org/.
Visit divorce360.com for help before, during and after divorce.
In general, the gender breakdown of callers to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 85 percent women to 15 percent men. From 2003 to present, male victims calling the hotline represent a mere 2.41 percent of all calls. Even so, NDVH have recorded calls for help from 19,046 men in that five-year period.
Of the men living with abusive women, most do not report incidents of abuse to police unless the injury is significant enough to result in emergency medical care. The primary reason for non-reporting is shame. Because of this trend, scientific studies by a number of renowned universities and social agencies, and governmental departments such as the Department of Justice, uncover a better picture of this victim group than police and court records.
Studies show that men are more likely to be hit with an object or stabbed while women are more likely to be hit with a fist, kicked or shot. While abused men remain in the relationship for many reasons, the top three reasons, according to the Department of Justice report are:
1. Protecting their children.
Fearing the courts will automatically give custody to the mother, the father worries that his children will be abused if they leave the family home.
2. Assuming blame.
In this situation, men buy into the woman’s reasons for delivering abuse rather than recognizing the abuse is unreasonable. This trait is common among both women and men.
3. Dependency.
The man is dependent on the woman for financial, social, or emotional support and fears the loss of such if he leaves the relationship. This trait, too, is shared between women and men suffering abuse.
The toll free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), and the web site address for more information is http://www.ndvh.org/.
Visit divorce360.com for help before, during and after divorce.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Hasta la Vista Baby!
So, I recently heard that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has gone and made some last minute budget cuts, and entirely axed the pot allocated for Catalyst Domestic Services who do things like offer shelter to victims of domestic violence.
The state Legislature had submitted a budget with a 20 percent reduction to the $20.4 million provide to agencies that offer domestic violence services, but Arnie said "NEIN," and slashed the funding by a comprehensive 100 percent.
I have to wonder if they are willing to consider alternatives to the State run options?
By the way, I also heard that the national coalitions created a petition to change Domestic Violence Awareness from October to May. The real reason behind that proposed change, Cancer Awareness is in October and it would take the "thunder" away from Domestic Violence awareness. Come on! Really? Awareness should be on a daily basis, not just once a year. This proposed date change would cost millions and how would they pay for it? Through the funding they get on a federal and state level? Okay, California can’t afford the toilet paper to wipe their asses with and felt the need to cut domestic violence services that they couldn't afford, but let’s spend their money on changing the date of awareness. Hypocrisy at its finest!
So, now that the Governor has vetoed the funding for Domestic Violence, I think California should call an audit of funds to see where these organizations have spending the states money. I'm not sure the funds have been used to help those in need, as much as it should have been doing. I mean, seriously, the domestic violence system is broken. Battered women and children have a hard time getting help sometimes, and abused women generally are left alone to lose their children to their abusers in court.
When I left my abuser, I skipped the red tape altogether and fled to a co-ed homeless shelter rather than a domestic violence shelter. I didn't have time to dilly dally with the system, I just needed to get out of a bad situation and stay safe, and I needed to do so ASAP. I didn't have time to find a Domestic Violence shelter somewhere and see if I could get in or not. I also didn't have time to talk to counselors. For me it was: Leave ASAP or die! So, I fled on my own without help or support from anyone else or any organization. And, once my divorce was final, I never looked back. Upward and onward!
I do realize that going to a homeless shelter can seem too scary for some victims so there needs to be some sanctuary where they can seek refuge if they don't wish to do what I did. So, I don't think California is smart to cut funding for Domestic Violence shelters.
The state Legislature had submitted a budget with a 20 percent reduction to the $20.4 million provide to agencies that offer domestic violence services, but Arnie said "NEIN," and slashed the funding by a comprehensive 100 percent.
I have to wonder if they are willing to consider alternatives to the State run options?
By the way, I also heard that the national coalitions created a petition to change Domestic Violence Awareness from October to May. The real reason behind that proposed change, Cancer Awareness is in October and it would take the "thunder" away from Domestic Violence awareness. Come on! Really? Awareness should be on a daily basis, not just once a year. This proposed date change would cost millions and how would they pay for it? Through the funding they get on a federal and state level? Okay, California can’t afford the toilet paper to wipe their asses with and felt the need to cut domestic violence services that they couldn't afford, but let’s spend their money on changing the date of awareness. Hypocrisy at its finest!
So, now that the Governor has vetoed the funding for Domestic Violence, I think California should call an audit of funds to see where these organizations have spending the states money. I'm not sure the funds have been used to help those in need, as much as it should have been doing. I mean, seriously, the domestic violence system is broken. Battered women and children have a hard time getting help sometimes, and abused women generally are left alone to lose their children to their abusers in court.
When I left my abuser, I skipped the red tape altogether and fled to a co-ed homeless shelter rather than a domestic violence shelter. I didn't have time to dilly dally with the system, I just needed to get out of a bad situation and stay safe, and I needed to do so ASAP. I didn't have time to find a Domestic Violence shelter somewhere and see if I could get in or not. I also didn't have time to talk to counselors. For me it was: Leave ASAP or die! So, I fled on my own without help or support from anyone else or any organization. And, once my divorce was final, I never looked back. Upward and onward!
I do realize that going to a homeless shelter can seem too scary for some victims so there needs to be some sanctuary where they can seek refuge if they don't wish to do what I did. So, I don't think California is smart to cut funding for Domestic Violence shelters.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Domestic Violence Effects on Children
I think there needs to be more awareness of the effects that domestic violence has on children. Even children who aren’t directly hit but are witnesses to domestic violence suffer physical, mental, and emotional health problems, advocates and medical experts say.
Unfortunately, I believe that, in general, people don’t understand the long-term implications of that impact. They need to understand that exposure to violence is a form of child abuse.
And, with the worsening economy, advocates fear more children will be exposed to domestic violence.
Besides having a higher risk of depression, substance abuse, and juvenile delinquency, children from violent homes also are at higher risk of heart problems and obesity, experts say. Development of the brain can also be impaired, according to some experts.
Neurological pathways in a child’s brain don’t get a chance to develop if areas of the brain that react to trauma become more active, explains Sacramento, CA therapist and trauma expert Dr. Linda Barnard.
I personally feel that if we are able to address the violence in households at anearly age, we would address a certain number of issues in society, such as substance abuse, divorce, and the next generation carrying on the violence.
In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are at high risk for suffering physical abuse themselves, according to research by Women's Rural Advocacy Programs. Regardless of whether children are physically abused, the emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence are very similar to the psychological trauma of being a victim of child abuse.
* Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may "indirectly" receive injuries. They may be hurt when household items are thrown or weapons are used. Infants may be injured if being held by the mother when the batterer strikes out.
* Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.
* Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.
* Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.
* Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. Girls who witness their mothers' abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.
* Taking responsibility for the abuse.
* Constant anxiety (that another beating will occur) and stress-related disorders.
* Guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser.
* Fear of abandonment.
* Social isolation and difficulty interacting with peers and adults.
* Low self-esteem.
* Younger children do not understand the meaning of the abuse they observe and tend to believe that they "must have done something wrong." Self-blame can precipitate feelings of guilt, worry, and anxiety.
* Children may become withdrawn, non-verbal, and exhibit regressed behaviors such as clinging and whining. Eating and sleeping difficulty, concentration problems, generalized anxiety, and physical complaints (such as headaches) are all common.
* Unlike younger children, the pre-adolescent child typically has greater ability to externalize negative emotions. In addition to symptoms commonly seen with childhood anxiety (such as sleep problems, eating disturbance, nightmares), victims in this age group may show a loss of interest in social activities, low self-concept, withdrawal or avoidance of peer relations, rebelliousness and oppositional-defiant behavior in the school setting. It is also common to observe temper tantrums, irritability, frequent fighting at school or between siblings, lashing out at objects, treating pets cruelly or abusively, threatening of peers or siblings with violence, and attempts to gain attention through hitting, kicking, or choking peers and/or family members. Girls are more likely to exhibit withdrawal and run the risk of being "missed" as a child in need of support.
* Adolescents are at risk of academic failure, school drop-out, delinquency, substance abuse, and difficulties in their own relationships.
Unfortunately, I believe that, in general, people don’t understand the long-term implications of that impact. They need to understand that exposure to violence is a form of child abuse.
And, with the worsening economy, advocates fear more children will be exposed to domestic violence.
Besides having a higher risk of depression, substance abuse, and juvenile delinquency, children from violent homes also are at higher risk of heart problems and obesity, experts say. Development of the brain can also be impaired, according to some experts.
Neurological pathways in a child’s brain don’t get a chance to develop if areas of the brain that react to trauma become more active, explains Sacramento, CA therapist and trauma expert Dr. Linda Barnard.
I personally feel that if we are able to address the violence in households at anearly age, we would address a certain number of issues in society, such as substance abuse, divorce, and the next generation carrying on the violence.
In homes where domestic violence occurs, children are at high risk for suffering physical abuse themselves, according to research by Women's Rural Advocacy Programs. Regardless of whether children are physically abused, the emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence are very similar to the psychological trauma of being a victim of child abuse.
* Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may "indirectly" receive injuries. They may be hurt when household items are thrown or weapons are used. Infants may be injured if being held by the mother when the batterer strikes out.
* Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.
* Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.
* Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.
* Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. Girls who witness their mothers' abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.
* Taking responsibility for the abuse.
* Constant anxiety (that another beating will occur) and stress-related disorders.
* Guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser.
* Fear of abandonment.
* Social isolation and difficulty interacting with peers and adults.
* Low self-esteem.
* Younger children do not understand the meaning of the abuse they observe and tend to believe that they "must have done something wrong." Self-blame can precipitate feelings of guilt, worry, and anxiety.
* Children may become withdrawn, non-verbal, and exhibit regressed behaviors such as clinging and whining. Eating and sleeping difficulty, concentration problems, generalized anxiety, and physical complaints (such as headaches) are all common.
* Unlike younger children, the pre-adolescent child typically has greater ability to externalize negative emotions. In addition to symptoms commonly seen with childhood anxiety (such as sleep problems, eating disturbance, nightmares), victims in this age group may show a loss of interest in social activities, low self-concept, withdrawal or avoidance of peer relations, rebelliousness and oppositional-defiant behavior in the school setting. It is also common to observe temper tantrums, irritability, frequent fighting at school or between siblings, lashing out at objects, treating pets cruelly or abusively, threatening of peers or siblings with violence, and attempts to gain attention through hitting, kicking, or choking peers and/or family members. Girls are more likely to exhibit withdrawal and run the risk of being "missed" as a child in need of support.
* Adolescents are at risk of academic failure, school drop-out, delinquency, substance abuse, and difficulties in their own relationships.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Recurring Theme in Domestic Violence Cases
The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that 33 million or 15 percent of adults polled in a 2006 Harris Poll admitted that they were a victim of domestic violence, defined as "behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other" by domesticviolence.org.
Domestic Violence continues to be in the news on a daily basis. While most of it is bad news, there is also some hopeful news on the subject. For example, on July 23 it was announced that an interactive computer questionnaire may give family doctors a better opportunity to identify and intervene with patients who are victims of domestic violence, according to a new study from the Dalla Lana School of Public Health.
The interactive questionnaire is perhaps a step in the right direction and tackling this growing problem.
Three homicides in California's Sacramento County during the past week provide startling examples of how domestic violence can escalate unexpectedly and with deadly consequence.
Each of the deaths offers a stark reminder of an age-old problem, but they don't appear to signal a greater trend, according to data and officials' accounts.
Detectives have identified domestic violence as the motive in just four of the 30 homicides committed this year in the Sacramento city police and Sacramento County sheriff's jurisdictions – or 13 percent.
That number has fluctuated over the last several years: In 2008, 6 percent of homicides in those areas were attributed to domestic violence, down from 13 percent in 2007. The year before, it was 8 percent.
So far in 2009, city and county authorities have made 942 arrests for domestic violence. At that rate, arrests would be down only slightly from last year's total of 2,091.
What triggered each of the recent homicides – one in Elk Grove; one in Folsom, in which police say the shooter then committed suicide; one in Sacramento – remains unclear. But officials say economic turmoil often is behind surges in problems between partners or family members.
The past week's bloodshed has been particularly troubling to advocates for victims of domestic violence.
Beth Hassett, executive director of Women Escaping a Violent Environment, recently told the Sacramento Bee that her organization, which fields up to 20,000 calls a year, has not seen a spike in calls regarding domestic violence. But she said that more of the callers are reporting physical abuse – rather than verbal, emotional or financial abuse – and that money is a recurring theme.
"We're seeing already stressed relationships are getting more volatile," Hassett told The Bee. "It's terrible, but it seems it's a result of the bad economy and everybody being in such a terrible space right now."
Recently the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna brought the issue of domestic violence brought a little more attention to domestic violence. R&B singer Brown, 20, assaulted his former girlfriend, pop artist Rihanna, 21, at a Grammy Awards pre-party on February 8.
He was convicted of felony assault in June and will be formally sentenced to 180 days of community service and five years of probation on August 5. He will also attend a two-week course on domestic violence.
People seem to be divided in their views about his actions. Some think we should let him serve his sentence, the standard for first-time offenders, in peace.
Others are outraged at the idea of letting him get out of jail time and pardoning him.
Recently retired National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy wrote online that the coverage was a prime opportunity to tackle the issue: "Much coverage, unfortunately, has been from the celebrity scandal angle with precious little substance. It’s no wonder that so many women and men have engaged in an enormous amount of victim-blaming. Outrageous comments about Rihanna, and what she must have done to 'deserve' a beating, are all over the Internet. As frustrating as these comments are, there is much to be learned from them."
I, myself, believe the best thing we can all learn from Brown and Rihanna is to be aware of domestic violence, to understand that it is prevalent; not sweep it under the rug or shrug it off as another one of those things that only happens to other people. To reach out to and empower victims, to educate ourselves and direct our resources toward ending the violence can be our apology to victims, our way of saying that we’re sorry, we are listening and we do care.
Domestic Violence continues to be in the news on a daily basis. While most of it is bad news, there is also some hopeful news on the subject. For example, on July 23 it was announced that an interactive computer questionnaire may give family doctors a better opportunity to identify and intervene with patients who are victims of domestic violence, according to a new study from the Dalla Lana School of Public Health.
The interactive questionnaire is perhaps a step in the right direction and tackling this growing problem.
Three homicides in California's Sacramento County during the past week provide startling examples of how domestic violence can escalate unexpectedly and with deadly consequence.
Each of the deaths offers a stark reminder of an age-old problem, but they don't appear to signal a greater trend, according to data and officials' accounts.
Detectives have identified domestic violence as the motive in just four of the 30 homicides committed this year in the Sacramento city police and Sacramento County sheriff's jurisdictions – or 13 percent.
That number has fluctuated over the last several years: In 2008, 6 percent of homicides in those areas were attributed to domestic violence, down from 13 percent in 2007. The year before, it was 8 percent.
So far in 2009, city and county authorities have made 942 arrests for domestic violence. At that rate, arrests would be down only slightly from last year's total of 2,091.
What triggered each of the recent homicides – one in Elk Grove; one in Folsom, in which police say the shooter then committed suicide; one in Sacramento – remains unclear. But officials say economic turmoil often is behind surges in problems between partners or family members.
The past week's bloodshed has been particularly troubling to advocates for victims of domestic violence.
Beth Hassett, executive director of Women Escaping a Violent Environment, recently told the Sacramento Bee that her organization, which fields up to 20,000 calls a year, has not seen a spike in calls regarding domestic violence. But she said that more of the callers are reporting physical abuse – rather than verbal, emotional or financial abuse – and that money is a recurring theme.
"We're seeing already stressed relationships are getting more volatile," Hassett told The Bee. "It's terrible, but it seems it's a result of the bad economy and everybody being in such a terrible space right now."
Recently the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna brought the issue of domestic violence brought a little more attention to domestic violence. R&B singer Brown, 20, assaulted his former girlfriend, pop artist Rihanna, 21, at a Grammy Awards pre-party on February 8.
He was convicted of felony assault in June and will be formally sentenced to 180 days of community service and five years of probation on August 5. He will also attend a two-week course on domestic violence.
People seem to be divided in their views about his actions. Some think we should let him serve his sentence, the standard for first-time offenders, in peace.
Others are outraged at the idea of letting him get out of jail time and pardoning him.
Recently retired National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy wrote online that the coverage was a prime opportunity to tackle the issue: "Much coverage, unfortunately, has been from the celebrity scandal angle with precious little substance. It’s no wonder that so many women and men have engaged in an enormous amount of victim-blaming. Outrageous comments about Rihanna, and what she must have done to 'deserve' a beating, are all over the Internet. As frustrating as these comments are, there is much to be learned from them."
I, myself, believe the best thing we can all learn from Brown and Rihanna is to be aware of domestic violence, to understand that it is prevalent; not sweep it under the rug or shrug it off as another one of those things that only happens to other people. To reach out to and empower victims, to educate ourselves and direct our resources toward ending the violence can be our apology to victims, our way of saying that we’re sorry, we are listening and we do care.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Latest Statistics ...
The number of domestic-assault cases tends to go up as the economy gets worse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline said that during a recent study, more than half of its callers reported a change in their household’s financial situation within the past year.
By the way, I recently became aware of a new state law in New York that prohibits employers from firing or refusing to hire domestic-violence or stalking victims, which is aimed at helping people gain the financial independence needed to separate from an abuser and take time off work to pursue legal cases.
New York Gov. David Paterson recently signed the legislation, which took effect immediately.
Each year in New York, an estimated 400,000 domestic incidents are reported to law enforcement, according to the state Division of Criminal Justice Services. The New York governor has signed a few other bills this year on domestic violence. One requires campuses and colleges to provide incoming students with information on domestic violence and stalking prevention. Another exempts victims of domestic violence, stalking or another crime that jeopardizes their safety from the requirement that a name change be published.
Earlier this month, Paterson vetoed a bill that would have directed the secretary of state to accept mail and legal papers on behalf of domestic-violence victims who wanted their location kept confidential. The governor’s veto said he supports the goals of the legislation, but it would be too costly –- an estimated $1.4 million the first year and $900,000 in future years –- and potentially could require the state to accept and forward all mail.
The state estimated that up to 2,000 victims would register.
Sen. Ruth Hassell-Thompson, D-Mount Vernon, Westchester County, sponsored two domestic-violence bills that passed both houses but haven’t been acted on yet by the governor. One would prohibit that victims be required to contact their abusers as a condition of receiving public benefits and services. They often have to contact the abuser to obtain documents required during a screening process.
The second bill would require that court-appointed attorneys for children receive training on the effect of domestic violence, ensure that court records detail how domestic violence is taken into account in child-custody and visitation decisions, and allow prosecutors to charge alleged abusers with a second-degree harassment violation that couldn’t be sealed in court records. Cases often are pleaded down from misdemeanors to violations that can be sealed.
Hassell-Thompson’s bill includes several provisions that were requested by the governor. Paterson also proposed prohibiting discrimination against domestic-abuse victims in employment and housing.
A bill to prevent housing discrimination passed the Assembly but didn’t get through the Senate this year.
Legislation that passed only one house would have prohibited domestic-violence abusers from lawfully possessing a firearm, permitted victims to take up to 90 days in a 12-month period of unpaid leaves of absence from their job, and clarified that criminal orders of protection begin at sentencing and not conviction.
By the way, I recently became aware of a new state law in New York that prohibits employers from firing or refusing to hire domestic-violence or stalking victims, which is aimed at helping people gain the financial independence needed to separate from an abuser and take time off work to pursue legal cases.
New York Gov. David Paterson recently signed the legislation, which took effect immediately.
Each year in New York, an estimated 400,000 domestic incidents are reported to law enforcement, according to the state Division of Criminal Justice Services. The New York governor has signed a few other bills this year on domestic violence. One requires campuses and colleges to provide incoming students with information on domestic violence and stalking prevention. Another exempts victims of domestic violence, stalking or another crime that jeopardizes their safety from the requirement that a name change be published.
Earlier this month, Paterson vetoed a bill that would have directed the secretary of state to accept mail and legal papers on behalf of domestic-violence victims who wanted their location kept confidential. The governor’s veto said he supports the goals of the legislation, but it would be too costly –- an estimated $1.4 million the first year and $900,000 in future years –- and potentially could require the state to accept and forward all mail.
The state estimated that up to 2,000 victims would register.
Sen. Ruth Hassell-Thompson, D-Mount Vernon, Westchester County, sponsored two domestic-violence bills that passed both houses but haven’t been acted on yet by the governor. One would prohibit that victims be required to contact their abusers as a condition of receiving public benefits and services. They often have to contact the abuser to obtain documents required during a screening process.
The second bill would require that court-appointed attorneys for children receive training on the effect of domestic violence, ensure that court records detail how domestic violence is taken into account in child-custody and visitation decisions, and allow prosecutors to charge alleged abusers with a second-degree harassment violation that couldn’t be sealed in court records. Cases often are pleaded down from misdemeanors to violations that can be sealed.
Hassell-Thompson’s bill includes several provisions that were requested by the governor. Paterson also proposed prohibiting discrimination against domestic-abuse victims in employment and housing.
A bill to prevent housing discrimination passed the Assembly but didn’t get through the Senate this year.
Legislation that passed only one house would have prohibited domestic-violence abusers from lawfully possessing a firearm, permitted victims to take up to 90 days in a 12-month period of unpaid leaves of absence from their job, and clarified that criminal orders of protection begin at sentencing and not conviction.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
GPS Tracking Systems to Protect Victims
About 17 states in America now have GPS tracking systems to help protect victims of Domestic Violence and Interpersonal Violence, turning the focus on the abuser.
From every corner of our lives, domestic and interpersonal violence seems to rear its ugly head in some form or fashion. Case after case, victims of these often under reported crimes are left without true protection from the violent hand of their abusers, some ending in fatalities.
History of abuse in those who do report it to the authorities serves as a tracking record of sorts but it is really just a snapshot in the overall relationship. With the majority of abusers escalating over time, the decision for a victim to leave the relationship is not necessarily one that will provide an abuse-free environment. Even the court issued restraining order and for some, ankle monitoring device does not protect these victims from their husbands, wives and boyfriends returning to punish and seek their revenge.
In June of this year, Texas joined a coalition of nearly 20 states in the United States dedicated to implementing GPS tracking on certain convicted domestic violence offenders. The tracking system enables law enforcement authorities to not only monitor a convicted offender but respond quickly when an offender goes near specified locations such as a victim's home, school, or place of employment.
Note: Abuse victims are most often beaten and killed in the own homes, family homes, job sites, or other places that would normally be deemed as safe.
The Illinois legislation was passed after a woman named Cindy Bischof was murdered by her estranged boyfriend who had violated a restraining order twice. Cindy, a Chicago area real estate broker, took the legal steps to ensure her safety and the system failed her. She was shot and killed in her employment parking lot by her ex-boyfriend who had just been released from jail for a violation of the restraining order. Her grieving family turned that tragic event into a real life saving endeavor that will give victims in the state a chance.
The story of Cindy Bischof is not an exception. ... A woman in Texas remained married to her abusive husband for two decades before finally leaving him. The court had honored the request that a restraining order and monitoring device be issued against Matthew O'Connor after he continually harassed his ex-wife. On August 23, 2006, Matthew O'Connor kicked in the door of his ex-wife's home and shot her over 20 times before turning the gun on himself. Her family feels that had GPS been required on convicted offenders who had also violated a restraining order, their loved one would still be alive.
And, in Massachusetts, a 51-year-old mother of two whose West Point graduate husband and abuser tormented their family for years attributes her being alive to GPS tracking. "Joel" was said to have violated the restraining order three times and had no concern over the consequences of doing so. He continued to threaten, beat and stalk his wife and family. Massachusetts has issued over 30,000 domestic violence related restraining orders, with 1/4 of those having been violated.
A story in the New York Times told how a 21-year-old woman was continually harassed and stalked for two years by a man she met at a Weslyan University summer course. Despite initially notifying the police, Stephen P. Morgan left town so the woman did not press charges. He returned and shot her execution style seven times while she was working at her campus bookstore job. Police later uncovered evidence of a more sinister plot that involved a mass campus shooting.
Across the nation, the focus of responsibility has historically been placed on the victims of abuse by individuals and law enforcement officials, sometimes forcing the victim to uproot and run to shelters or into hiding. Although not all victims of abuse are women, it is shown time and time again that over 3/4 of those stalked and murdered by an intimate partner are female victims.
Although the GPS monitoring is being implemented in more states, nay-sayers continue to hold up excuses in opposition. Criticisms against the GPS tracking system include: false victim safety, lack of funding, and even increased violence on certain populations -- specifically minority groups.
In the United States alone, three women are murdered by their husbands and intimate partners every day; one-third of all female homicides in America.
In an already skewed system that places the blame on the victim for allegedly getting themselves into a violent and abusive relationship where abusers are often masterminds at manipulation and deflection, implementing a system of tracking for convicted abusers and violators of restraining orders could give those victims a fighting chance at life.
From every corner of our lives, domestic and interpersonal violence seems to rear its ugly head in some form or fashion. Case after case, victims of these often under reported crimes are left without true protection from the violent hand of their abusers, some ending in fatalities.
History of abuse in those who do report it to the authorities serves as a tracking record of sorts but it is really just a snapshot in the overall relationship. With the majority of abusers escalating over time, the decision for a victim to leave the relationship is not necessarily one that will provide an abuse-free environment. Even the court issued restraining order and for some, ankle monitoring device does not protect these victims from their husbands, wives and boyfriends returning to punish and seek their revenge.
In June of this year, Texas joined a coalition of nearly 20 states in the United States dedicated to implementing GPS tracking on certain convicted domestic violence offenders. The tracking system enables law enforcement authorities to not only monitor a convicted offender but respond quickly when an offender goes near specified locations such as a victim's home, school, or place of employment.
Note: Abuse victims are most often beaten and killed in the own homes, family homes, job sites, or other places that would normally be deemed as safe.
The Illinois legislation was passed after a woman named Cindy Bischof was murdered by her estranged boyfriend who had violated a restraining order twice. Cindy, a Chicago area real estate broker, took the legal steps to ensure her safety and the system failed her. She was shot and killed in her employment parking lot by her ex-boyfriend who had just been released from jail for a violation of the restraining order. Her grieving family turned that tragic event into a real life saving endeavor that will give victims in the state a chance.
The story of Cindy Bischof is not an exception. ... A woman in Texas remained married to her abusive husband for two decades before finally leaving him. The court had honored the request that a restraining order and monitoring device be issued against Matthew O'Connor after he continually harassed his ex-wife. On August 23, 2006, Matthew O'Connor kicked in the door of his ex-wife's home and shot her over 20 times before turning the gun on himself. Her family feels that had GPS been required on convicted offenders who had also violated a restraining order, their loved one would still be alive.
And, in Massachusetts, a 51-year-old mother of two whose West Point graduate husband and abuser tormented their family for years attributes her being alive to GPS tracking. "Joel" was said to have violated the restraining order three times and had no concern over the consequences of doing so. He continued to threaten, beat and stalk his wife and family. Massachusetts has issued over 30,000 domestic violence related restraining orders, with 1/4 of those having been violated.
A story in the New York Times told how a 21-year-old woman was continually harassed and stalked for two years by a man she met at a Weslyan University summer course. Despite initially notifying the police, Stephen P. Morgan left town so the woman did not press charges. He returned and shot her execution style seven times while she was working at her campus bookstore job. Police later uncovered evidence of a more sinister plot that involved a mass campus shooting.
Across the nation, the focus of responsibility has historically been placed on the victims of abuse by individuals and law enforcement officials, sometimes forcing the victim to uproot and run to shelters or into hiding. Although not all victims of abuse are women, it is shown time and time again that over 3/4 of those stalked and murdered by an intimate partner are female victims.
Although the GPS monitoring is being implemented in more states, nay-sayers continue to hold up excuses in opposition. Criticisms against the GPS tracking system include: false victim safety, lack of funding, and even increased violence on certain populations -- specifically minority groups.
In the United States alone, three women are murdered by their husbands and intimate partners every day; one-third of all female homicides in America.
In an already skewed system that places the blame on the victim for allegedly getting themselves into a violent and abusive relationship where abusers are often masterminds at manipulation and deflection, implementing a system of tracking for convicted abusers and violators of restraining orders could give those victims a fighting chance at life.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Myths About Domestic Violence
Common Myths About Domestic Violence:
Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
* Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence.
Some people deserve to be hit.
* No one deserves to be abused. Period.
* Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.
Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
* Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence.
* Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse.
* Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence.
Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
* Domestic violence affects everyone.
* About 1 in 4 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
* 40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children.
If it were that bad, she would just leave.
* There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is OK or that the victim wants to be abused.
NOTE: I realize that leaving can be dangerous. It is true that the most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. Still, staying only enables the abuse to continue. If one leaves there is at least about a 50% chance of survival. If the victim stays, there is about a 100% chance the victim will die, unless the abusive spouse dies before he/she kills the victim. It is best to make a safety plan for an escape to leave your abuser once and for all. Trust me. I took the 50% chance, fled my abuser, and live today to tell about it. Had I stayed, I'm certain I would be dead by now.
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:
Do you:
* feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
* avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
* feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
* believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
* wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
* feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
* humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
* treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
* ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
* blame you for his own abusive behavior?
* see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Does your partner:
* have a bad and unpredictable temper?
* hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
* threaten to take your children away or harm them?
* threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
* force you to have sex?
* destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
* act excessively jealous and possessive?
* control where you go or what you do?
* keep you from seeing your friends or family?
* limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
* constantly check up on you?
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
* Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence.
Some people deserve to be hit.
* No one deserves to be abused. Period.
* Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.
Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
* Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence.
* Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse.
* Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence.
Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
* Domestic violence affects everyone.
* About 1 in 4 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
* 40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children.
If it were that bad, she would just leave.
* There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is OK or that the victim wants to be abused.
NOTE: I realize that leaving can be dangerous. It is true that the most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. Still, staying only enables the abuse to continue. If one leaves there is at least about a 50% chance of survival. If the victim stays, there is about a 100% chance the victim will die, unless the abusive spouse dies before he/she kills the victim. It is best to make a safety plan for an escape to leave your abuser once and for all. Trust me. I took the 50% chance, fled my abuser, and live today to tell about it. Had I stayed, I'm certain I would be dead by now.
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP:
Do you:
* feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
* avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
* feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
* believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
* wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
* feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
* humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
* treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
* ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
* blame you for his own abusive behavior?
* see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Does your partner:
* have a bad and unpredictable temper?
* hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
* threaten to take your children away or harm them?
* threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
* force you to have sex?
* destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
* act excessively jealous and possessive?
* control where you go or what you do?
* keep you from seeing your friends or family?
* limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
* constantly check up on you?
If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Battered Asylum-Seekers
So, did you hear that the Obama administration has opened the way for foreign women who are victims of severe domestic beatings and sexual abuse to receive asylum in the United States? The action reverses a Bush administration stance on an issue at the center of a protracted and passionate legal battle over the possibilities for battered women to become refugees.
... The administration laid out its position in an immigration appeals court filing in the case of a woman from Mexico who requested asylum, saying she feared she would be murdered by a common law husband there. According to court documents filed in San Francisco, the man repeatedly raped her at gunpoint, held her captive, stole from her and at one point attempted to burn her alive when he learned she was pregnant.
The government submitted its legal brief in April, but the woman only recently gave her consent for the confidential case documents to be disclosed to The New York Times. The government has marked a clear, although narrow, pathway for battered women seeking asylum, lawyers said, after 13 years of tangled court arguments, including resistance from the Bush administration to recognize any of those claims.
Moving cautiously, the government did not immediately recommend asylum for the Mexican woman, who is identified in the court papers only by her initials as L.R. But the Department of Homeland Security, in the unusual submission written by senior government lawyers, concluded in plain terms that "it is possible" that the Mexican woman "and other applicants who have experienced domestic violence could qualify for asylum."
As recently as last year, Bush administration lawyers had argued in the same case that battered women could not meet the strict standards of American asylum law.
Even still, I question the Obama administration's ground rules for battered asylum-seekers: "In addition to meeting the existing strict conditions for being granted asylum, abused women need to show a judge that women are viewed as subordinate by their abuser, according to a court filing by the administration, and must also show that domestic abuse is widely tolerated in their country."
If the abuse itself isn't evidence that the asylum-seekers are "viewed as subordinate by their abusers," what proof, one wonders, will be sufficient? And in what country on this planet is domestic abuse not widely tolerated? That's a stipulation made by Americans who are fooling themselves.
Nonetheless, this is a step in the right direction
... The administration laid out its position in an immigration appeals court filing in the case of a woman from Mexico who requested asylum, saying she feared she would be murdered by a common law husband there. According to court documents filed in San Francisco, the man repeatedly raped her at gunpoint, held her captive, stole from her and at one point attempted to burn her alive when he learned she was pregnant.
The government submitted its legal brief in April, but the woman only recently gave her consent for the confidential case documents to be disclosed to The New York Times. The government has marked a clear, although narrow, pathway for battered women seeking asylum, lawyers said, after 13 years of tangled court arguments, including resistance from the Bush administration to recognize any of those claims.
Moving cautiously, the government did not immediately recommend asylum for the Mexican woman, who is identified in the court papers only by her initials as L.R. But the Department of Homeland Security, in the unusual submission written by senior government lawyers, concluded in plain terms that "it is possible" that the Mexican woman "and other applicants who have experienced domestic violence could qualify for asylum."
As recently as last year, Bush administration lawyers had argued in the same case that battered women could not meet the strict standards of American asylum law.
Even still, I question the Obama administration's ground rules for battered asylum-seekers: "In addition to meeting the existing strict conditions for being granted asylum, abused women need to show a judge that women are viewed as subordinate by their abuser, according to a court filing by the administration, and must also show that domestic abuse is widely tolerated in their country."
If the abuse itself isn't evidence that the asylum-seekers are "viewed as subordinate by their abusers," what proof, one wonders, will be sufficient? And in what country on this planet is domestic abuse not widely tolerated? That's a stipulation made by Americans who are fooling themselves.
Nonetheless, this is a step in the right direction
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Statistics ...
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE STATISTICS:
According to the American Institute of Domestic Violence, more than $5.8 billion is spent each year to care for U.S. victims of domestic violence; 95% of whom are female. Domestic abuse amongst men is on the rise as well, although at much lower rates.
According to the American Institute of Domestic Violence, more than $5.8 billion is spent each year to care for U.S. victims of domestic violence; 95% of whom are female. Domestic abuse amongst men is on the rise as well, although at much lower rates.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Intimate Partner Violence
Intimate partner violence (also known as Domestic Violence) is intrinsically connected to the societal oppression of women and other marginalized groups. At it’s core it is about not just violence, but violence used systematically and repeatedly in the service of having power and control over another.
Intimate partner violence is everywhere, in every segment of the population. The media doesn’t always cover it as such. Stories are often framed in ways that describe it as an assault in general or even worse, hold the victim of violence accountable. Assault, mutual fighting, these can be terms used that serve to help keep intimate partner violence invisible.
Having been a journalist for most of my mid-20s and throughout my 30s, I’ve seen the usual mixed and disappointing coverage of the issue, the victim blaming, the minimizing. Youth, who are especially attuned to media messages, are also exposed to dating/intimate partner violence at an alarming rate: 1 in 4 adolescents reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner each year. So is it any surprise that youth continue to buy into victim blaming messages?
In no way do I see violence as the solution to violence. As Ghandi said: "... an eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind." I am keenly aware that prior exposure to violence, either as a victim or witness, is often in the history of those who become perpetrators of violence as adults.
Intimate partner violence is everywhere, in every segment of the population. The media doesn’t always cover it as such. Stories are often framed in ways that describe it as an assault in general or even worse, hold the victim of violence accountable. Assault, mutual fighting, these can be terms used that serve to help keep intimate partner violence invisible.
Having been a journalist for most of my mid-20s and throughout my 30s, I’ve seen the usual mixed and disappointing coverage of the issue, the victim blaming, the minimizing. Youth, who are especially attuned to media messages, are also exposed to dating/intimate partner violence at an alarming rate: 1 in 4 adolescents reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse from a dating partner each year. So is it any surprise that youth continue to buy into victim blaming messages?
In no way do I see violence as the solution to violence. As Ghandi said: "... an eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind." I am keenly aware that prior exposure to violence, either as a victim or witness, is often in the history of those who become perpetrators of violence as adults.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Is your friend, teen or child being abused?
When you think someone close to you is in trouble, sometimes it’s hard to know the right thing to say or do. If you’re not sure, but you suspect there is a problem, trust your instincts. Take the chance and talk with your friend or family member if you suspect abuse. Sometimes having someone you can trust to talk to can be the difference between life and death. You don’t have to be an expert in domestic violence; you just need to be a good listener.
Signs to look for that might indicate an abusive relationship:
1. Does your friend’s partner get very jealous and angry when she talks with or spends time with others?
2. Does your friend’s partner put her down or humiliate her in public?
3. When you ask her to go out does she always make an excuse about why she can’t go?
4. Has your friend ever had an injury or bruise but the explanation of how it happened doesn’t make sense?
5. Does she talk about things her partner does that worry you but she makes excuses for him?
6. Does she have to ask permission to spend money even on little things?
7. Does she seem depressed or have frequent problems with sleeping or eating?
8. Does her partner lose his temper and throw or break things?
Signs to look for that might indicate an abusive relationship:
1. Does your friend’s partner get very jealous and angry when she talks with or spends time with others?
2. Does your friend’s partner put her down or humiliate her in public?
3. When you ask her to go out does she always make an excuse about why she can’t go?
4. Has your friend ever had an injury or bruise but the explanation of how it happened doesn’t make sense?
5. Does she talk about things her partner does that worry you but she makes excuses for him?
6. Does she have to ask permission to spend money even on little things?
7. Does she seem depressed or have frequent problems with sleeping or eating?
8. Does her partner lose his temper and throw or break things?
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Have a Happy & Safe 4th of July!
As we celebrate the 4th of July, take a moment to think about the meaning of freedom and our rights as people. It is a basic human right to live free from fear, especially of one’s own partner. Everyone has the right to live in a home where they feel safe. Please stay safe this 4th of July!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Understanding Teenage Dating Violence
Teenage dating violence is not uncommon; almost a third of teens in the U.S. experience some type of abuse in their relationships. It follows the typical patterns that adult abusive relationships follow with repeated violence which gets worse every time. The abuser feels remorse and says they are sorry with promises to change, but the violence continues and the pattern continues. There are three main types of dating abuse: verbal and emotional, physical, and sexual.
Verbal or emotional abuse is about the abuser trying to gain control of the victims feelings or behaviors, as are all of the types of abuse. It instills fear in the victim and erodes their self worth and self esteem. Verbal and emotional abuse includes yelling, name calling, put downs, embarrassment, intimidation, and/or the spreading of rumors. It can make the person feel responsible for their abuse, as their abuser controls their actions and behavior. The victim feels trapped in the relationship, and is so manipulated that they fear ending the connection.
Physical abuse in teenage dating violence involves hitting, shoving, pushing, and any other unwanted contact with the victims body. The abuser overreacts in a negative way to a victims behavior, and becomes physically aggressive with their partner. According to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, 45% of girls reported that they had experienced physical violence while in a dating relationship. The terror a young person feels in this situation, again, traps them into remaining in a bad situation.
Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted sexual activity which includes kissing or touching, groping, and/or sexual intercourse. A partner in a relationship always has the right to say no to any sexual situation, and it is considered abusive when they are forced into something they do not want to do. Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships, and a significant amount of physically battered victims are also raped by their partners. There are negative consequences to remaining in an abusive relationship for the victim, and most continue in the relationship.
Verbal or emotional abuse is about the abuser trying to gain control of the victims feelings or behaviors, as are all of the types of abuse. It instills fear in the victim and erodes their self worth and self esteem. Verbal and emotional abuse includes yelling, name calling, put downs, embarrassment, intimidation, and/or the spreading of rumors. It can make the person feel responsible for their abuse, as their abuser controls their actions and behavior. The victim feels trapped in the relationship, and is so manipulated that they fear ending the connection.
Physical abuse in teenage dating violence involves hitting, shoving, pushing, and any other unwanted contact with the victims body. The abuser overreacts in a negative way to a victims behavior, and becomes physically aggressive with their partner. According to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, 45% of girls reported that they had experienced physical violence while in a dating relationship. The terror a young person feels in this situation, again, traps them into remaining in a bad situation.
Sexual abuse is defined as unwanted sexual activity which includes kissing or touching, groping, and/or sexual intercourse. A partner in a relationship always has the right to say no to any sexual situation, and it is considered abusive when they are forced into something they do not want to do. Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships, and a significant amount of physically battered victims are also raped by their partners. There are negative consequences to remaining in an abusive relationship for the victim, and most continue in the relationship.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Be safe and free ...
What I know for sure is that domestic violence won’t stop unless someone puts a break to it. It is likely to happen again so if you are a victim of domestic violence, it is best to find out what you have to do to survive. Report an abusive incident and seek help. You may fear that your partner will be even more brutal when he finds out that you’ve let others know about your situation. This is why there are a lot of individuals and agencies willing to support you, emotionally and legally.
If you are a victim of abuse and feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time or are already suffering from abuse, call 911 or your local police. The police have established a protocol for this type of abuse.
* If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.
* They can help you and your children leave your home safely.
* They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.
* They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order or restraining order has been violated.
* When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.
* If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.
* If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.
* The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.
* The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.
* Get the officers names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.
* A police report can be used to help you get a personal protective order or restraining order.
One of the common problems police officers and sheriff deputies face is when a victim refuses to press charges against his/her abuser. If you are a victim, you need to realize that the police are not the enemy. Your abusive partner is the enemy! So, you need to be open and honest with the police, and you need to utilize the law on your behalf to see that you can be safe and free from abuse.
Most victims of domestic violence are scared to report an abusive incident. This is because they fear that their partner will later on find out they have reported it and will just increase his brutality. What they do not realize is that there are a lot of agencies and individuals willing to give a helping hand to whatever emotional and legal support you need. Victims must realize that help is there for them to ask.
Not wanting to leave the home you built is understandable. What’s not understandable is you prolonging your suffering. It’s certainly not fair, but if you are a victim of abuse, your safety is important. If the home you built is not a safe place for you and your children to stay, move away and find a safe place.
If you are a victim of abuse and have been physically hurt, get medical help, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you such as social services) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support and access to government agencies. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.
Medical records are important in grating you a personal protective order or restraining order. These records will show all the important information about your injuries. You must also inform those who you feel safe to know about who your abuser is.
The following are the special medical concerns all the victims of abuse should note:
* Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.
* What seems like a small injury could be a big one.
* If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
* A victim of abuse can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
* Memory loss.
* Dizziness.
* Problems with eyesight.
* Throwing-up.
* Headache that will not go away.
If you are a victim of abuse, get a personal protection order or restraining order. It can protect you from being hit, threatened, harassed, or stalked by your abuser.
And to any of my readers who might be in a place of terror or fear right now, I want to tell you that you deserve to live a life free of that. You deserve happiness, love and kindness and to never live in fear. There’s hope. Truly, there is. There’s a way out, even if it means more (temporary) pain. You are stronger than you know. You are more amazing than you know. I know about the dark place you live in. I know about the fear and anger. But there is a world outside the darkness. And you can get there. Believe in yourself! You can get there!
Call 911, or call your local police or county sheriff department. Do this sooner than later! There is a brighter world waiting for you!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Latest news on Domestic Violence ...
So, I just heard today that Amnesty International has installed a new anti-domestic-abuse ad fixture in Hamburg, Germany which is equal parts clever and shocking: when you look at the photo, it's a smiling couple; when you look away, it's a dude punching a lady. The billboard works by scanning its proximity with an eye-tracking camera, which triggers an image switch on the display panel when it senses someone looking at it. The change only occurs after a brief delay, so that observers understand what's going on, and get the message. It's a fantastically effective concept, and a brilliant use of technology. Kind of sad, then, that it's probably award bait, and doomed to be a lone installation.
In other news earlier this week -- on June 26, 2009 -- the White House made an outstanding move by naming Lynn Rosenthal to be the new White House Advisor on Violence Against Women. I believe Rosenthal is brilliant -- and an ardent, sophisticated advocate. This is really one of the best appointments I've seen so far. So please indulge me the opportunity to say so.
Vice President Joe Biden, the author of the landmark Violence Against Women Act, announced the appointment of Rosenthal. She is one of the nation’s foremost experts in domestic violence policy, and has worked at the local, state and national levels to create an environment where violence against women is not ignored and perpetrators are held accountable. This is a newly created position at the White House, dedicated specifically to advising the President and Vice President on domestic violence and sexual assault issues.
“My proudest legislative achievement in the Senate was passing the Violence Against Women Act. We’ve made great strides since its passage -- shining a light on an all too silent issue and reducing violence against women in significant numbers. But we have to do more,” said Vice President Biden, in a recent press release. “... It’s an honor to announce the first ever White House Advisor on Violence Against Women, Lynn Rosenthal. Lynn is passionate about these issues and knows them backwards and forwards. And as a former director of a shelter, she’s also seen the human face of this tragic problem. She will be a leader in this White House in stopping the violence and sexual assault of women and will be an integral part of this Administration.”
Also quoted in the press release is Valerie Jarrett, senior advisor and assistant to the president of Intergovernmental Relations and Public Engagement. Jarrett said: “Lynn Rosenthal has been a life-long advocate for women and she has been a real leader in developing effective policies to combat domestic violence. She will be a tremendous asset to the President, Vice President and the entire Administration as we continue the battle against domestic violence and sexual assault.”
Progress is being made! This is huge step to help ensure that government agencies continue, and hopefully advance, the efforts of many organizations across the country who work everyday to help the countless women who fall victim to relationship violence.
In other news earlier this week -- on June 26, 2009 -- the White House made an outstanding move by naming Lynn Rosenthal to be the new White House Advisor on Violence Against Women. I believe Rosenthal is brilliant -- and an ardent, sophisticated advocate. This is really one of the best appointments I've seen so far. So please indulge me the opportunity to say so.
Vice President Joe Biden, the author of the landmark Violence Against Women Act, announced the appointment of Rosenthal. She is one of the nation’s foremost experts in domestic violence policy, and has worked at the local, state and national levels to create an environment where violence against women is not ignored and perpetrators are held accountable. This is a newly created position at the White House, dedicated specifically to advising the President and Vice President on domestic violence and sexual assault issues.
“My proudest legislative achievement in the Senate was passing the Violence Against Women Act. We’ve made great strides since its passage -- shining a light on an all too silent issue and reducing violence against women in significant numbers. But we have to do more,” said Vice President Biden, in a recent press release. “... It’s an honor to announce the first ever White House Advisor on Violence Against Women, Lynn Rosenthal. Lynn is passionate about these issues and knows them backwards and forwards. And as a former director of a shelter, she’s also seen the human face of this tragic problem. She will be a leader in this White House in stopping the violence and sexual assault of women and will be an integral part of this Administration.”
Also quoted in the press release is Valerie Jarrett, senior advisor and assistant to the president of Intergovernmental Relations and Public Engagement. Jarrett said: “Lynn Rosenthal has been a life-long advocate for women and she has been a real leader in developing effective policies to combat domestic violence. She will be a tremendous asset to the President, Vice President and the entire Administration as we continue the battle against domestic violence and sexual assault.”
Progress is being made! This is huge step to help ensure that government agencies continue, and hopefully advance, the efforts of many organizations across the country who work everyday to help the countless women who fall victim to relationship violence.
Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
Statistics on domestic violence:
On average more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States. In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner. In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published data collected in 2005 that finds that women experience two million injuries from intimate partner violence each year.
Nearly one in four women in the United States reports experiencing violence by a current or former spouse or boyfriend at some point in her life.
Women are much more likely than men to be victimized by a current or former intimate partner. Women are 84 percent of spouse abuse victims and 86 percent of victims of abuse at the hands of a boyfriend or girlfriend and about three-fourths of the persons who commit family violence are male. There were 248,300 rapes/sexual assaults in the United States in 2007, more than 500 per day, up from 190,600 in 2005. Women were more likely than men to be victims; the rate for rape/sexual assault for persons age 12 or older in 2007 was 1.8 per 1,000 for females and 0.1 per 1,000 for males. The United States Justice Department’s Bureau of Justice Statistics estimates that 3.4 million persons said they were victims of stalking during a 12-month period in 2005 and 2006. Women experience 20 stalking victimization per 1,000 females age 18 and older, while men experience approximately seven stalking victimization per 1,000 males age 18 and older.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Some Quick Facts ...
Today I decided to share with you some quick facts that you find helpful ...
* How can I make it stop?
The first step is to understand the cycle of violence and that you can only control your own actions and choices. Support groups and counseling can be very helpful in gaining insight into your relationship and empowering you to make decisions about your safety, your right to be treated with respect, and your future.
* What causes people to abuse their partners?
There are many factors that may contribute to why abuse occurs. Mental health conditions, drug and alcohol abuse, or financial stress may be some of the contributing factors, but are not necessarily causes. Often patterns learned as children may play a role in why the abuse occurs. It is never the victim’s fault when the abuse occurs; the abuser is responsible for their behavior. I encourage you to keep the focus on what you can do to make the best decisions for your own health and safety. It is important to also be accountable for your role in the relationship. The longer you stay with your abuser, the longer you enable him or her to continue their abuse toward you.
* Is domestic violence really a big problem where I live?
Domestic Violence is, unfortunately, very common and the effects are far-reaching. No location, rather a small town or large city, is exempt from domestic abuse. Domestic violence shelters across the country see several victims of domestic violence each year, and I know that many more people are living with abuse who have not made the decision to talk about it openly. Family violence is one of the most common calls to law enforcement (there are calls every day) and one of the most frequently prosecuted crimes in local judicial systems. It is one of the primary causes of homelessness. It effects children in their ability to learn, feel safe, and socialize. For teenagers, it contributes to drug and alcohol abuse, youth violence, and teenage pregnancy. It’s a reason for days missed from work and visits to the emergency room. Every one of us is affected by the issue of domestic violence in one way or another. It may be your neighbor, your sister, your friend, or a co-worker, but it is likely very close to home.
* How can I tell if my relationship is abusive?
* Should I believe my partner will change?
Violence is a learned behavior that is often tied to a belief system about how relationships are. Because these beliefs may have come from childhood experiences and have been in place for a long time, they will likely be difficult to change. It will take accountability on the part of the abuser, and an end to blaming others for violent behavior, in order for it to stop. Couples counseling is not recommended when there is active violence because it is not safe. Individual counseling and separate group counseling sessions may help each partner address issues that can lead them to come together in a non-violent way in the future.
* How do I know if my partner is really dangerous?
There is no exact way to know how dangerous your partner might be but there are some predictors that are of grave concern.
* How can I make it stop?
The first step is to understand the cycle of violence and that you can only control your own actions and choices. Support groups and counseling can be very helpful in gaining insight into your relationship and empowering you to make decisions about your safety, your right to be treated with respect, and your future.
* What causes people to abuse their partners?
There are many factors that may contribute to why abuse occurs. Mental health conditions, drug and alcohol abuse, or financial stress may be some of the contributing factors, but are not necessarily causes. Often patterns learned as children may play a role in why the abuse occurs. It is never the victim’s fault when the abuse occurs; the abuser is responsible for their behavior. I encourage you to keep the focus on what you can do to make the best decisions for your own health and safety. It is important to also be accountable for your role in the relationship. The longer you stay with your abuser, the longer you enable him or her to continue their abuse toward you.
* Is domestic violence really a big problem where I live?
Domestic Violence is, unfortunately, very common and the effects are far-reaching. No location, rather a small town or large city, is exempt from domestic abuse. Domestic violence shelters across the country see several victims of domestic violence each year, and I know that many more people are living with abuse who have not made the decision to talk about it openly. Family violence is one of the most common calls to law enforcement (there are calls every day) and one of the most frequently prosecuted crimes in local judicial systems. It is one of the primary causes of homelessness. It effects children in their ability to learn, feel safe, and socialize. For teenagers, it contributes to drug and alcohol abuse, youth violence, and teenage pregnancy. It’s a reason for days missed from work and visits to the emergency room. Every one of us is affected by the issue of domestic violence in one way or another. It may be your neighbor, your sister, your friend, or a co-worker, but it is likely very close to home.
* How can I tell if my relationship is abusive?
Abuse can take many forms and can sometimes begin subtly. If you find yourself walking on egg shells, changing your behavior to prevent a violent outburst, or if you’re ever afraid of your partner, these are warning signs that should not be ignored. If your partner humiliates you, is ever physically violent, or threatens violence, these are clear signs of an unhealthy relationship. If the abuse occurs in a pattern of tension building followed by a violent outburst, and then apologies, gifts, and extra sweet behavior with promises of change -- and then the pattern repeats -- this is a cycle of violence. The situation probably will not change without intervention, and is likely to get progressively worse.
Cycle of Violence
- Phase 1 – Tension Building
- Abuser starts to get angry
- The victim feels the need to try to keep the abuser calm
- The level of tension is high
- Victims often describe a feeling of “walking on egg shells”
- Trying not to “set him off”
- Phase 2 – Explosive Incident
- May be physical, emotional, or sexual
- Phase 3 – Honeymoon Phase – Hearts and Flowers
- The abuser apologizes and promises to change
- Sometimes there is minimizing -- “it wasn’t that bad”
- The abuser may give gifts, extra special treatment
- Victim hopes that the abuser will change
* Should I believe my partner will change?
Violence is a learned behavior that is often tied to a belief system about how relationships are. Because these beliefs may have come from childhood experiences and have been in place for a long time, they will likely be difficult to change. It will take accountability on the part of the abuser, and an end to blaming others for violent behavior, in order for it to stop. Couples counseling is not recommended when there is active violence because it is not safe. Individual counseling and separate group counseling sessions may help each partner address issues that can lead them to come together in a non-violent way in the future.
* How do I know if my partner is really dangerous?
There is no exact way to know how dangerous your partner might be but there are some predictors that are of grave concern.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Divorce and Domestic Abuse ...
All too often domestic violence survivors use all of their financial resources to hire an attorney and then come to find they have nothing left to secure a professional advocate that remains on their side. And then they feel frustrated, desperate, hopeless, and abused. Sound familiar?
You expect your attorney to represent your best interest and so it is understandable how you want to invest all you have in this relationship. But, what may not be apparent right out of the gate is that this person will need to be paid beyond the initial retainer.
Now if you have limited resources, which is the case for most domestic violence survivors, you could very well be in a compromising situation once that retainer runs out — if not sooner. Here's why ...
Divorce Attorney's Realities:
Your divorce attorney is not going to work without being paid. So he/she will need to strategize how this will be done. Who do you think he/she must appeal to in order to carve the way toward his/her financial sustainability in your case?
Most likely it will be to the one holding the purse strings. Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not suggesting that your counsel will pick up the phone and call your partner because he controls the finances in your marriage. That would be very unethical.
So how will your counsel arrange to satisfy his/her needs in order to remain as your representative in your case? He/she will need to turn to those who can access the key that opens the marital funds. To get this level of cooperation there must be some give and take along the way.
Advocate for Your Best Advantage:
If you are a domestic violence victim in divorce proceedings, refrain from putting all your eggs in one basket. Keep in mind that you may want a professional domestic abuse advocate that is not entangled in your divorce. That is, you may want someone independent of the financial politics of your case to help you stand up for your rights.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Refuse to Live in Fear ...
Fear is one of the most crippling forces plaguing domestic violence victims. Like a thief, it robs us of our courage and desire to excel in life. Provoked fear in the victim by an abuser is a tactic used to stifle our progress and cause us to give up on our dreams and aspirations.
There are many opportunities to fulfill our purpose and destiny, but the mere presence of fear extinguish the fires of thriving in our lives. There are many types of fear that come with living in a relationship plagued by domestic abuse, but the end result is the same: a future robbed of its potential and an individual haunted by the mystery of what might have been.
So how do we overcome fear? By daring to do. Dare to do what you as an individual have been called to do. Dare to be successful. Dare to dream big and accomplish your goals. Dare to leave your abusive relationship and seek a more humane, safer, and fulfilling life for yourself. Dare to make a positive change. By daring to do, we can dramatically diminish our level of fear.
How would you live your life without the presence of fear? How would you act if you knew you could be free of abuse, both emotionally and physically? What would you do differently if you had nothing to fear? What goals would you aspire to achieve if you knew you no longer had to live your life with the fear of being abused by your spouse or partner?
Consider this: What if Mother Teresa had refused to dedicate her life to service and altruism because she feared living in poverty? What if Nelson Mandela had refused to oppose apartheid in South Africa because he feared imprisonment? What if Martin Luther King Jr. had refused to promote civil rights and preach a message of peace and nonviolence because he feared assassination? Where would we be in the world if some of the world's most notable heroes had succumbed to fear?
In my book Another Search for Shelter, I tell of my personal story of leaving my abusive husband and seeking refuge in a homeless shelter. From personal experience, I can honestly say that even being homeless is better than living as a victim of domestic violence.
Where would I be if I had let the fear of the unknown keep me bound in a dangerous and unhealthy relationship? I would likely be dead. Regardless, I certainly would not be where I am today -- living a fulfilling, happy, and peaceful lifestyle free from the fear that once plagued me.
The best way to overcome fear is to face it. Don't allow fear of the unknown prevent you from leaving your abuser. If you are being abused, you need to get out of the unhealthy relationship that you are living in. You need to be free to go after your dreams with fervor and passion. Ask for help if you need it, and don't stop until you receive it!
Start today! Determine in your heart and mind to leave a legacy of greatness and a life characterized by respect and self-reliance, not fear and dependence. You deserve it!
There are many opportunities to fulfill our purpose and destiny, but the mere presence of fear extinguish the fires of thriving in our lives. There are many types of fear that come with living in a relationship plagued by domestic abuse, but the end result is the same: a future robbed of its potential and an individual haunted by the mystery of what might have been.
So how do we overcome fear? By daring to do. Dare to do what you as an individual have been called to do. Dare to be successful. Dare to dream big and accomplish your goals. Dare to leave your abusive relationship and seek a more humane, safer, and fulfilling life for yourself. Dare to make a positive change. By daring to do, we can dramatically diminish our level of fear.
How would you live your life without the presence of fear? How would you act if you knew you could be free of abuse, both emotionally and physically? What would you do differently if you had nothing to fear? What goals would you aspire to achieve if you knew you no longer had to live your life with the fear of being abused by your spouse or partner?
Consider this: What if Mother Teresa had refused to dedicate her life to service and altruism because she feared living in poverty? What if Nelson Mandela had refused to oppose apartheid in South Africa because he feared imprisonment? What if Martin Luther King Jr. had refused to promote civil rights and preach a message of peace and nonviolence because he feared assassination? Where would we be in the world if some of the world's most notable heroes had succumbed to fear?
In my book Another Search for Shelter, I tell of my personal story of leaving my abusive husband and seeking refuge in a homeless shelter. From personal experience, I can honestly say that even being homeless is better than living as a victim of domestic violence.
Where would I be if I had let the fear of the unknown keep me bound in a dangerous and unhealthy relationship? I would likely be dead. Regardless, I certainly would not be where I am today -- living a fulfilling, happy, and peaceful lifestyle free from the fear that once plagued me.
The best way to overcome fear is to face it. Don't allow fear of the unknown prevent you from leaving your abuser. If you are being abused, you need to get out of the unhealthy relationship that you are living in. You need to be free to go after your dreams with fervor and passion. Ask for help if you need it, and don't stop until you receive it!
Start today! Determine in your heart and mind to leave a legacy of greatness and a life characterized by respect and self-reliance, not fear and dependence. You deserve it!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Finding the Right Therapist ...
One of the chapters in my book, Another Search for Shelter, offers tips on finding the right therapist to help you in your transition from victim to survivor of domestic abuse. Recently Dr. Jeanne King, a seasoned psychologist and domestic violence intervention expert, had a number of things to say about this topic in a recently published online article of hers. Below are some things Dr. King says you will want to know if you are going to a therapist with your partner for domestic abuse:
1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your own home.
2) Anticipate that when you return home, the dynamics that you sought help for have solidified. That's right you heard me: the abuse dynamic is stronger, bigger...you might even say, "more in your face."
3) Expect that when push comes to shove, the therapist will most likely be singing the abuser's song, and you will feel like you have two enemies.
4) Know AND trust it's not about you. An open ear gravitates to the louder, more domineering voice. And when it comes to abusive relationships, we all know which partner will have the more convincing voice, no matter how compelling the victim's story.
5) As soon as you are willing to take responsibility for your error in choosing this type of therapist/therapy, request termination. You see, you are in the wrong kind of therapy for domestic violence. Marital and couples therapy is actually contra-indicated for domestic abuse. It's more likely to exacerbate intimate partner violence.
6) Find a therapist, who has expertise in domestic violence intervention, to work with you individually. And encourage your partner to seek individual therapy if he/she is willing. If he/she does (which is not likely), request that your two individual therapists interact from time to time.
There are as many ways to impact change in a dysfunctional relationship as there are dysfunctional relationships, noted King. "One thing is for sure: marital and couples therapy is not appropriate for domestic abuse," she says.
Dr. King explains that marital therapy is based on a "systems" approach. And the goal of the system is to maintain its homeostasis (that is, its balance), she explains. To this end, the responsibility for the dysfunctional dynamics within the system is spread equally across the system. However, this is what solidifies the abuse dynamic, according to Dr. King.
"Suffice it to say, marital therapy and couples counseling is not the right therapy for your problem. The sooner you find the appropriate type of intervention and the right therapist for yourself, the sooner you will be on your way to safety and peace in your life," concluded Dr. King.
Very good points, Dr. King. I completely agree with you. ~ Jeannie Claire
1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your own home.
2) Anticipate that when you return home, the dynamics that you sought help for have solidified. That's right you heard me: the abuse dynamic is stronger, bigger...you might even say, "more in your face."
3) Expect that when push comes to shove, the therapist will most likely be singing the abuser's song, and you will feel like you have two enemies.
4) Know AND trust it's not about you. An open ear gravitates to the louder, more domineering voice. And when it comes to abusive relationships, we all know which partner will have the more convincing voice, no matter how compelling the victim's story.
5) As soon as you are willing to take responsibility for your error in choosing this type of therapist/therapy, request termination. You see, you are in the wrong kind of therapy for domestic violence. Marital and couples therapy is actually contra-indicated for domestic abuse. It's more likely to exacerbate intimate partner violence.
6) Find a therapist, who has expertise in domestic violence intervention, to work with you individually. And encourage your partner to seek individual therapy if he/she is willing. If he/she does (which is not likely), request that your two individual therapists interact from time to time.
There are as many ways to impact change in a dysfunctional relationship as there are dysfunctional relationships, noted King. "One thing is for sure: marital and couples therapy is not appropriate for domestic abuse," she says.
Dr. King explains that marital therapy is based on a "systems" approach. And the goal of the system is to maintain its homeostasis (that is, its balance), she explains. To this end, the responsibility for the dysfunctional dynamics within the system is spread equally across the system. However, this is what solidifies the abuse dynamic, according to Dr. King.
"Suffice it to say, marital therapy and couples counseling is not the right therapy for your problem. The sooner you find the appropriate type of intervention and the right therapist for yourself, the sooner you will be on your way to safety and peace in your life," concluded Dr. King.
Very good points, Dr. King. I completely agree with you. ~ Jeannie Claire
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Happy Father's Day!!!
WHEN THE ABUSED IS A MAN ...
WHEN THE ABUSED IS A MAN ...
As all eyes turn to fathers across the country today, I decided to concentrate my current blog entry on men ...
Listen to the police scanner or follow the shouting in the neighborhood sometime, and you'll see that domestic violence between spouses and romantic partners is a pretty common problem in your city or town. No city or town is exempt, regardless of its size or location.
My experience with domestic violence, as an abused wife left me humiliated and embarrassed. I wrote the book Another Search for Shelter as part of my healing and discovered it was very therapeutic to do so. I also realized that to keep quiet was to continue the abuse. Through my book, Another Search for Shelter, I hope to empower victims of domestic abuse and believe that telling my story does just that.
While my personal experience is that of a woman victim of domestic violence, I think it is important for people to understand that men can also be victims. Very little is known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women. One statistic reveals that in 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men. In fact, an estimated 300,000 to 400,000 men per year are abused and/or treated violently by their wife or intimate partner.
There are many reasons why we don't know more about domestic abuse and violence against men. First of all, the incidence of domestic violence reported men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates. In addition, it has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse. The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.
The dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women. The reasons, purposes and motivations are often very different between sexes. Although the counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women, there has been very little investment in resources to address and understand the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men. In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused. For example, it is assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing contact sports. Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them.
It is a widely held assumption that women are always the victims and men are always the perpetrators. Between 50 and 60 percent of all domestic abuse and violence is against women. There are many reasons why people assume men are never victims and why women often ignore the possibility. For one thing, domestic abuse and violence has been minimized, justified, and ignored for a very long time. Women are now more organized, supportive, and outspoken about the epidemic of domestic abuse and violence against women. Very little attention has been paid to the issue of domestic abuse and violence against men -- especially because violence against women has been so obvious and was ignored for so long.
Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and difference. For men or women, domestic violence includes pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door, or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon. Domestic abuse can also be mental or emotional. However, what will hurt a man mentally and emotionally, can in some cases be very different from what hurts a woman. For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a women. Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in different ways. In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse.
For example, the ability to tolerate and "brush off" a physical assault by women in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman. A significant number of of men are overly sensitive to emotional and psychological abuse. In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse. Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often "brutal" than men. Men on the other hand are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal -- even deadly!
Domestic violence against men goes unrecognized for the following reasons:
- The incidence of domestic violence against men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.
- It has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.
- The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable to most people that many men will not even attempt to report the situation.
- The counseling and psychological community have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women. Not enough has been done to stop abuse against women. There has been very little investment in resources to address the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.
- In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women. The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others.
- Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people are so astonished, men usually end up feeling like nobody would believe them. It is widely assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or while playing contact sports. Women generally don't do those things.
- Alcohol Abuse. Alcohol abuse is a major trigger in domestic violence. People who are intoxicated have less impulse control, are easily frustrated, have greater misunderstandings and are generally prone to resort to violence as a solution to problems. Women who abuse men are frequently alcoholics.
- Psychological Disorders. There are certain psychological problems, primarily personality disorders, in which women are characteristically abusive and violent toward men. Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis that is found almost exclusively with women. Approximately 1 to 2 percent of all women have a Borderline Personality disorder. At least 50 percent of all domestic abuse and violence against men is associated with woman who have a Borderline Personality disorder. The disorder is also associated with suicidal behavior, severe mood swings, lying, sexual problems, and alcohol abuse.
- Unrealistic expectations, assumptions and conclusions. Women who are abusive toward men usually have unrealistic expectations and make unrealistic demands of men. These women will typically experience repeated episodes of depression, anxiety, frustration, and irritability which they attribute to a man's behavior. In fact, their mental and emotional state is the result of their own insecurities, emotional problems, trauma during childhood, or even withdrawal from alcohol. They blame men rather than admit their problems, take responsibility for how they live their lives or do something about how they make themselves miserable. They refuse to enter treatment and may even insist the man needs treatment. Instead of helping themselves, they blame a man for how they feel and believe that a man should do something to make them feel better. They will often medicate their emotions with alcohol. When men can't make them feel better, these women become frustrated and assume that men are doing this on purpose.
- Protecting Their Children. Abused men are afraid to leave their children alone with an abusive woman. They are afraid that if they leave they will never be allowed to see their children again. The man is afraid the woman will tell his children he is a bad person or that he doesn't love them.
- Assuming Blame (Guilt Prone). Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not. They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better.
- Dependency (or Fear of Independence). The abused man is mentally, emotionally, or financially dependent on the abusive woman. The idea of leaving the relationship creates significant feelings of depression or anxiety. They are "addicted" to each other.
HELP FOR MEN:
Help for men who are victims of domestic abuse and violence is not as prevalent as it is for women. There are virtually no shelters, programs or advocacy groups for men. Most abused men will have to rely on private counseling services. Community resources for breaking the cycle of violence are scarce and not well developed. If you are a man, or know a man who is suffering as a victim of domestic abuse and violence, it is important to seek help. Below are some important phone numbers that might be a good place to start ...
| National Domestic Abuse Hotline | 1 (800) 799 - SAFE (7233) |
| National Child Abuse Hotline | 1 (800) 4 - A - CHILD (422-4453) |
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